10 Sure-fire Ways to Lose Your Man Fast (And For Good)

We’ve all been guilty of it at one point in time; we see that magazine with the catchy caption 10 Ways To Make Him Love You For Life and we make a grab for it while surreptitiously looking for the answer to making him ‘chewing gum’ you for life. Hell sometimes, we fork out some cash and blow a hole in our purses just to buy it and read in the comfort of our homes and beds

Well I’m not going to write about ways to make him stay; that’s for Christian Carter, Emily Mc Kay, Mimi Tanner and the others. But I’m definitely gonna tell you the sure fire ways to chase him out of your life: and for good.

So sit back, grab your coffee, soft drink, popcorn or whatever you pop into your mouth when reading as I bring to you:

10 Sure-fire Ways To Lose Your Man Fast (And For Good)

1.       Be sure to call his ass every 5 minutes so you can know where he is. In fact the minute he answers the phone the first words out of your mouth should be ‘Where are you’?

2.       Go through his phone book, call every female on his list and demand to know who they are and why they call like everyday (Even if she really is his supervisor at work).

3.       While we’re still on the phone issue, don’t forget to read all his text messages, BB chats, hell any kind of message he’s got on his phone

4.       Show up unannounced at wherever he said he’s hanging out with the guys for ‘boys night out’ just to confirm if he’s really there.

5.       Chewing gum him everywhere he goes and when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE: Office Seminars, Friend’s Bachelor’s Eve, Ex girlfriend’s cousin’s wedding.....

6.       Tell him the sex is good but your ex was waaaay better

7.       A month into the relationship, ask him what he thinks of Burgundy and Cream as your wedding theme colours.

8.       Tell him his mother’s omelette tastes like sawdust

9.       The moment you see him hugging a girl, go gangsta on him and bring on all the drama. Also give him 3 ‘German Slaps’ and pound the girl into the ground for good measure (Even though in the end, she really turns out to be his kid sister who came to visit)

10.   Constantly remind him about how he’s not living up to your expectations of a boyfriend, give him an earful each time he leaves the toilet seat open, flings his socks in a corner, squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, doesn’t remember the anniversary of the day he ‘toasted’ you. Just rile him at every given opportunity

And as a bonus

11.   Make sure he pays for EVERYTHING and that includes your hair, nails, spa treatment, body cream, the 80k Brazilian weave (you use 2-3 packs by the way), even your tampons and Felvin tablets

Try them, they work ;)

Re-branding

Since Aunty Dora went on and on about re-branding, I have also decided to re-brand my blog. Hope you like it :)

Midnight Freaky Dickey

And I mean it literally.

It was 12:00 am and PHCN in their usual manner had reminded us that electric power was still in their hands. I’ve never been an early sleeper either by habit or by necessity and my ‘good night’ time is usually between 12:30am and 1:00am

So on that day, I lay in bed indulging myself in my latest addiction: Boston Legal and amusing myself in Denny Crane’s bouts of craziness. I had my earphones plugged in and didn’t look up when my kid brother burst into the room in fits of laughter. I was oblivious to what was going on around me until he walked up to me and yanked the earphones out of my ears

‘What the hell was that for?’ I asked looking very irritated

‘If I tell you something, you won’t believe me’

‘What?’

‘I’m telling you that you won’t believe me’

‘Then why the hell are you disturbing me?’

By now I was annoyed and in no mood for any goofing around. Finally, after a bout of chuckles he told me

‘Two people are banging on the balcony next door. They just moved into the bathroom’

‘It’s a lie!’

‘I’m serious’ he placed a finger on his tongue and pointed upwards; a gesture we used as children whenever we swore that we were telling the truth

He left the room laughing and I was finding it hard to believe until the moans I began to hear proved to me that my brother was indeed right

I sat there wide eyed as the woman in question went into a tirade of dirty talk that made me blush to the roots of my hair

‘Oh yes! Yes! Yes!’

‘Oh f**k me! F**k me!’

I quickly lay down and drew the covers over my head hoping it would block the noise. For where? It was as if the woman was having a swell time and was hell bent on letting me know that fact. My friend who just came in from the States and was staying with me for a couple of days was laughing away like a girl on a serious overdose of laughing gas and embarrassment flooded through me

What the hell happened to the bedroom?

The next morning, I was on my own balcony hanging some clothing when I saw the culprits on their own balcony gisting away. The ‘stud’ in question was a pot bellied middle aged man that looked like Mike Tyson without regular workouts. If only they knew that I knew...

I thought it would all end with that one night and was shocked like hell when 12:30am the following day, they showed up again on the balcony and got their freak on and on the day after that as well!

Some chronic freaks I have as neighbours!

Hello Nollywood

My first encounter with Nollywood was way back in 2003.

Some guy had approached me in a cybercafé and asked me if I wanted to star in a movie.

Typically my first thought was ‘What do you think I am? Stupid?’

I had thought him to be one of those people who have some sort of claim to Nollywood and were looking for young ‘mugu-like’ girls to exploit so I ignored him and avoided him for a couple of days

The next time he saw me, he told me that his offer was for real and that he wasn’t interested in taking advantage of me. He invited me for an audition which was to take place at National Theatre. I went with my friend, got the part I auditioned for and the next thing, I was starring in the movie ‘Private Sin’ by Emem Isong.

The acting sure had its perks; all of a sudden, I was popular.

In UI, girls who never spoke to me would walk up to me and go

‘Hi!’ They would smile at me ‘Are you an actress? I saw you in a movie!’

I had cousins and family friends in Port Harcourt who got all excited about seeing me on TV and would call me on the phone to tell me of how they were boasting to their friends.

Funny enough, the first time I saw myself in the movie, I threw my head back and let out a big laugh. It was nothing short of amusing to me. But shooting was stressful and I was

n’t sure I wanted to spend more time in front of the camera

Emem Isong was out of the country at the time of the filming and her name had so

me godlike bearing for me. I had always wanted to meet her because I was a writer and was more interested in writing for Nollywood. I hoped that one day, I would meet her and that she would mentor me on my way to becoming an accomplished screenwriter

My dream came true when someone I just knew (Uduak) happened to be Emem Isong’s younger sister. You ought to have seen how I was when I met Emem for the first time. It was like I was meeting Jerry Bruckenheimer/ Steven Speilberg for the first time. I was excited and yet I was nervous.

Emem turned out to be really nice. I had a storyline which I had given someone before but the guy rejected the idea. I gave it to Emem, she liked it and that was how Sweet Tomorrow (2006) was made. The rest like they say is history

Now not only does she mentor me, I write for her and I also submit more storylines which she also gives me a chance to turn into a screenplay. I have found my Nollywood family and I am happy

Thank you Emem, thank you Uduak (aka Koko, kokoriko, uduakiki)

Thank you Nollywood for opening your doors to an aspiring screenwriter

Happy New Year

Okay I guess I'm like 1 month and 3 days late for this but (sigh) if only you knew

A lot has happened to me since my last post: I quit my job, went into Nollywood (Not for the acting o! I'm not sure I can get used to the cameras and I definitely don't need the goldfish life that comes with being an actress) and basically have been hustling my ass off

Hopefully, I'll be updating more, sharing more thoughts and experiences, at least blog more often

Till then.....peace out!