What's Love Got To Do With It?

"You better be careful what you say to me,

Or it  might turn round on you

You better be careful what you do to me

Or somebody might do it to you"

No, that's not me warning anybody. That's the chorus to a song by Sparkle which featured R.Kelly. The song is basically about a couple whose relationship had degenerated over time due to many factors and throughout the song, we hear accusations and counter-accusations between the couple.

She says he used to be sweet and caring, now he doesn't do that anymore. He accuses her of disrespecting him, not appreciating him and then talking down about him to her friends.

The song is a deep, yet sad song which pointed out issues in relationships ranging from lack of mutual trust & respect to one's inability to respect the partner in-front of others (in this case, the lady's friends). This sparked off a conversation I had on Twitter with a cool lady and we had a brief but enlightening talk about relationships and what is needed to make it work.

Some days ago, I was talking with my mother. The topic varied from how the tenants were pissing my dad off to some of her old colleagues and where they are now.

Then I had a question in mind that I really needed to ask her.

“Mum, what constitutes a successful relationship?”

For some seconds, my mum stared at me in silence. And then she says

“It’s definitely not just love. Even that love can fail you sef” she responded.

And then for the next 30 minutes, I listened to my mum tell me things that even though I had heard different versions before, was wisdom coming from a woman who has been married for over 3 decades.

Love is an important part of a relationship but it’s not the only thing needed to have a successful relationship. Nobody goes into a serious relationship with the hope/expectation that it would fail. Everyone wants a successful relationship but like most good things of life, it's not abracadabra. A successful relationship requires work, effort, dedication, commitment. If you’re not willing to put in that, then you’re not ready for a relationship more or less a successful one.

People who want their relationships to be successful must be ready to put their backs into it. They have to be ready to put in as much as they want out of the relationship.

A relationship where one or both of them take actions more out of self-satisfaction and without consideration for the other is more than likely to suffer. People who just want to do whatever they like without regard or respect for how their partner feels about it are actually being self-centered in their relationships. There's no sugar-coating it to be honest. 

It’s always all about them and what makes them happy and/or satisfied and as long as they don’t see anything wrong in what they want to do, they’re doing it anyway; that’s a glaring mark of someone who’s being self-centered.

Love isn’t everything that's needed. According to this cool babe I had this discussion with, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual commitment, being kind & being considerate of your partner is the ‘ koko’. When these are present, then true love has a face. 

And I couldn’t agree more.

So let's stop thinking love alone is enough for a successful relationship. If anything, love makes putting in the other requirements for a successful relationship easier & very willing to do. True love makes respecting your partner easier, it makes being kind and considerate to your partner's feelings, emotions and sensibilities easy and willing for you to do. It makes mutual commitment, compromise & being there for your partner not look like a chore or an advanced physics equation. When you really love someone, these things wouldn’t & shouldn't be homework for you.

I’m not a relationship expert, neither am I a counselor but I’m very sure the points made by my mum and the person I quoted earlier makes a whole lot of sense.

Some weeks ago, I stumbled on something someone posted on Twitter. He wrote;

“When you’re in a relationship, you answer to your woman/man. Your woman/man answers to you. If you aren’t ready to answer to anyone, enjoy being single” 

Very valid if you ask me.

So when it comes to having a successful relationship, I ask: 

What has (only) love got to do with it?

Let It Be Said

When I leave this world,

Things will be said.

Some good… some I’m not sure

But then, things will be said.

Let it be said, that I did my best

To be a better person

That I sat at life’s feet every day

To listen to what it had to teach me.

That sometimes I felt like I knew it all

But then, life had a way of teaching me

That I may have thought that I knew everything

But I knew next to nothing.

Let it be said, that I loved my God

As much as I could

That I held on to my faith in Him

And his love for me.

That there may have been times I strayed

And I felt too ashamed to come back to Him

But His love was boundless

And welcomed me when I found my way back.

Let it be said, that I worked hard

That I was determined to make something out of myself and my life.

I had clear goals in sight and knew where I wanted to be

Those were the things that kept me up at night;

Working, planning, conceptualizing, strategizing.

A financial liability was the last thing I wanted to be

I wanted to be successful and was willing to bleed for it

And being a failure was out of the question.

Let it be said, that I was there for my loved ones

That I held them close to my heart.

I was loyal to the end

Being the best I could be.

There were times when I had my failings

And I was annoying and unlovable

But their faith and patience

Helped me strive to put in my very best.

Let it be said, that I loved and oh did I love.

With all my heart, with all genuineness and sincerity

That for love, I emptied out myself

Pouring out all within me,

I held nothing back, I gave everything I had to give

Left myself naked, open and vulnerable

I loved with all my heart, I loved with everything I had

I loved truly, I loved madly, I loved deeply.

And after the curtain has closed on my life

And I have returned to my maker.

When all is being said, please let it be said 

That I gave nothing but the very best of me.

Perfection

Perfection… what is it really?

Is it having the perfect look? The perfect height? The perfect attitude?

People unconsciously tout themselves to be perfect. They are the right body size, they have the perfect personality, the perfect life, the perfect friends etc, etc, etc. Everything in their lives are spick and span and they’re running head to head with Jesus on the scale on perfection.

I am not perfect. I’ve never seen myself as one and In fact, I’m more aware of my flaws than of my strengths.

Don’t get me wrong; It’s not inferiority complex. It’s simply facing the fact that I’m only human and as much as I try to be the best expected of me, in the end, I’m still fallible.

Everybody has their faults. I just happen to be one of those who acknowledge and face theirs. It doesn’t make me a bad person, just a realistic one. There are days when I’m like a ray of morning sunshine and there are days when my people feel like knocking me over the head with a mallet.

The very first step towards change is the acknowledgement and acceptance of fault. I’m just work in progress. I may not be where I’m aiming to be yet, but thankfully I’m definitely not where I was when I started this journey.

Please don’t expect me to be perfect. I can only be the best person to people who still love me despite my faults and failings. Them, I love so dearly and enough to go through this constant improvement of self also because it means a lot to them to see me get better with each passing day.

I am not the S.I unit of perfection… I can never be.

Perfection is the man who once walked this earth many years ago. As long as we occupy flesh and blood, no one can ever come close to that.

I STILL LOVE YOU

The last 8 years have witnessed me spending Valentine’s Day at the office, staring out the window and listening to the radio churn out one love song after the other as I prayed that the ridiculous traffic caused by fast foods and fancy restaurant patrons would abate so I can go home and get some sleep.

Not that I was going through some form of misery, I just didn’t see any reason why out of an entire 365/366 days in a year, one must take out one day for a display/ declaration of love to his  or her partner. So what happens to the rest of the year then?

I believe in love and when I love, I love hard and well because I have decided that the man in my life is definitely worth my love. With him, every day is Valentine’s Day and I honestly don’t need to take out one day to show him that he’s special and that I love him so much.

Anyway, in the spirit of ‘Valentine’s day’ I have decided to put my thoughts into writing with this piece called ‘I STILL LOVE YOU’.  It’s not poetry or in any way an attempt at it but an honest and sincere outpouring of my inner self.

So here goes:

In my brightest of days,

When Heaven is smiling on me and all I do

I stop to think of you and I know for certain

That I do love you

When you send me texts that make me smile

When I get messages from you that tickles me silly

In every day and in every little way I’m reminded

That I do love you

When everything is looking good

And we feel like we’re on-top of the world

Through the champagne and the caviar life.

I still love you.

Life will not always be great.

The sun will not always shine

There will be tumultuous periods

But I still want you know that through it all,

I still love you

When you’re going through a bad time

And it seems like the storm is fiercely against you.

When life brings you to your knees and wants to break you.

Just know that you’ve got me like I’ve got you and that

I still love you.

When I’m under a lot of pressure

And I feel like being left alone.

There’s nothing for you to worry about

Because baby,

I still love you

When one or both of us is in a bad mood

And we get mad over the littlest of things

When we fight over stuff so inconsequential

And words that hurt are said

I want you to know

That I still love you

When the honeymoon is over

And the babies come along

Through changing diapers, sleepless nights and tested patience

I still love you

When the bills are as high as a skyscraper

And it seems like they’re not coming down

Remember we’re in this together

And I’m definitely sticking around

My love is true, my love is constant

Through the sunshine and the rain

It weathers all storms, it triumphs in trials

On it you can depend, no room for doubts or denials

When the years have gone by

And all the kids have left home

When gone are the flat abdominals & wrinkle free faces

And in its place are crowns lined with grey hair & ‘muffin tops’

When being picture perfect doesn’t matter any more

Neither does wearing the latest in fashion.

I’m there to hold your hand, I’m there to assure you

That truly and in all honesty,

I still love you.

Spielberg Script on a Tomato Budget

I was stressed.

There was a movie premiere coming up in a matter of weeks and since my friend had left the country on the compulsory maternity leave, I was left to pilot the organization and preparation towards the event.

It was also my first time doing this job solo so one can imagine the physical, psychological and emotional energy I had put into the project. At this point, I had done everything from blowing a gasket in anger, to heaping curses which of course was done in the secrecy of my mind to breaking down in tears. It was far from a pleasant experience. I had even called my friend to tell her I wasn’t sure if I could go on with this on my own. I was an emotional steamroller  on a 300km/ph collision course with Zuma rock.

I needed something to calm me down, to make me laugh and like the Papa Ajasco jingle always tells us ‘Laugh till you forget your name’. What I didn’t bargain for was the madness I was about to get.

My phone rang. I looked at the caller ID; it was Ekene* (Name changed to protect the individual’s identity’

‘Chi how now?’  He had asked.

‘I dey’ I replied; that was always my default response to the ‘how now’ question.

‘Abeg you fit come meet me for Finicky?’

‘Ekene’ I sighed tiredly (I really was tired) ‘I get work’

‘Abeg just come abeg. You no go stay long, just 30 minutes and you go back. I promise’

I sighed again. There was no shaking Ekene off. He had this tenacity which could always wear someone down to submission and I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to go back and forth with him.

‘Okay I dey come’

I could sense him smile in relief.

‘Thank you’

I grabbed my bag, told the staff that I’d be back in a jiffy and then headed out to hear whatever brain-wave Ekene had.

Ekene is a producer/director. In his head, he believes he’s the biggest thing to come out of Nollywood. In my reality, he’s just an Asaba champion. I wouldn’t have met or known him if some silly production assistant hadn't given out my number without first informing me and from then on, it’s been one grandiose film idea or the other. The way Ekene dreams would make Joseph really jealous.

I finally got to Finicky to see him waiting with a female who looked like she did some overtime on Tura cream and carried herself with an attitude the size of Texas.

Ekene grinned at me as I sat down. 

I had the manners to greet, she lacked the manners to respond.

Strike 1

‘Thank you for coming’ Ekene said to me.

I had no time for niceties or idle chatter.

‘What’s up?’ I asked

And then the craziness began.

Apparently, the lady is a ‘producer’ who wants to shoot a film about a certain man’s rise from humble beginnings to becoming a powerful  man in government. I listened intently as Ekene painted this grand ‘24’meets ‘West Wing’ story. When he finished, he turned to me.

‘So how much to write it’

‘Ekene you know how much I charge’ I responded tiredly. I had told him countless times my rates for writing a screenplay.

‘How much na?’

I told them. And that was when the female realized that she could actually speak.

´Ah! That is a lot na’

‘That’s how much I charge’

Ekene steps in and tries to use his ‘you-know-me-and-I-know-you’ card.

‘Chi abeg come down. At least for me’

‘How much are you budgeting?’

’50 thousand’  the female chirps in.

I couldn’t believe my ears.

´Excuse me?’

Then she tries to be funny.

´What? Are you too big for 50 thousand?’ she asked with a smug look on her face.

Strike 2

At this point, I was already cursing Ekene in my mind for dragging me here for such rubbish. I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could.

‘If you want a script of my amount, you’d get it, if you want a 50 thousand naira script, you will still get it. Even 20 thousand naira scripts are possible’

The female turns to Ekene who shrugs helplessly and then she turns back to me.

´How many parts will the script be?’ she asks in her thick ‘Made in Aba’ accent.

I wasn’t sure I understood the question.

´Parts?’

‘Yes. Will it be part 1 to 3?’

‘I don’t know but I don’t think the film will be THAT long’

She shakes her head in vehement rejection.

‘Ah no o! It has to be o! for that amount? When there’s somebody I pay 100 thousand to write part 1 to 7 for me? What will you write then?’

Strike 3

That’s it! I had had it with ‘talking Tura cream’. I stood up, grabbed my bag.

‘Chi wait na’ Ekene pleaded as he tried to stop me.

‘Abeg I’m busy. Later’ I muttered and left the place.

As I walked out, I couldn't help but think of the absurdity of what went on back there.  She actually wanted a ‘Spielberg-like’ script but wasn't willing to pay for a script its worth. To think of all the time and money I was going to spend on research only to be paid a measly amount? This job certainly wasn't worth it. And to think that Ekene dragged me out for this rubbish.

I looked at my watch: 3:25. I had only spent twenty five minutes back there.

At least Ekene kept his word.

When Being An Actor is More Than Just Having A Pretty/Handsome Face

I have sat through my own fair share of auditions. Some of them were open ones when you’ll have to sit through 5-6 hours watching people who number over a hundred come in one by one to read out a script. Then there were the private ones where aspiring actors were given an appointment to come and audition where the only audiences were the producers and us writers.

I must say an audition especially an open one can sometimes be a tiring and frustrating process. You see different people with different characters come over to take a shot at landing a role in an upcoming movie. Half of these people can’t speak well and there are those with these acquired and annoying accents that I can best describe as somewhere between ‘Cambodian’ and ‘Sri-Lankan’…yes it’s very annoying!

Then there are these people who I must say are good looking, they know it and then they believe that since they’re good-looking, it automatically qualifies them not only to be actors but to rise meteorically into the group of A-list actors. I would have sort of agreed with them…if only their acting skills were not akin to a lizard trying to pass off as an alligator.

The problem with a lot of aspiring actors is that they think acting is just about standing infront of a camera and delivering lines. They look at our current A-listers and all they see is flashy cars, traveling business class all over the world, brand endorsements running into seven to eight figures, not putting into thought the hard-work these people must have put in to get to where they are today.

I remember once in the late 90s early 2000s, I was watching a program on TV and Genevieve Nnaji was being interviewed. She was the fast rising star then and the interviewer had asked how she prepares herself for acting. Genevieve responded by saying she spent hours infront of a mirror, practicing. Thinking back, I now wonder how many young girls/guys who want to be actors actually take time out to do that? I can almost bet that the only times these young ones look in a mirror is to re-apply makeup and to ensure that their hair/outfits are not out of order.

Nobody wants to work hard anymore. They want the glitz and glamour but are they ready to sweat for it the way these guys did? If there were no endorsements, appearance fees and trips around the world, would they still consider taking up an acting career? There’s clearly a case of misplaced passions here: the passion isn’t for acting but for the material benefits that come with it.

Uche Jombo once told me it took her over 11years to get to where she is right now, Ramsey Nuoah first appeared on my TV screen when I was in Secondary School. A lot of these guys have paid their dues and they deserve the rewards that come with such sacrifices.

So I’d advise the pretty girl/handsome guy who wants to act just by virtue of the fact that they are ‘fine’…Look in the mirror and tell yourselves the truth. If you can’t act, stay away from acting but if you still insist and aren’t willing to improve on yourself, (shrugs) there’s always Asaba and ‘waka-pass’ roles for you.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

‘Mugu dey fall make guy-man chop’ (the fool’s fall is to the clever man’s gain)

That is exactly how my brother describes life in Lagos; the busiest city in Nigeria and perhaps West Africa.

It’s funny how when travelling down to Lagos from out of town, you’re greeted with a sign ‘Welcome to ….. State’ ‘Welcome to ….. State’ each time you pass through one state or the other but when you get to Lagos, you’re greeted with the sign ‘THIS IS LAGOS’ as though warning you that once you pass the toll gates, you’re on your own.

And in a way, the sign does tell you the truth; Lagos is nobody’s friend.

Day in day out, you’re either fouled for obeying traffic laws you knew nothing about, almost having your legs broken by Okada riders who materialize out of nowhere,  getting the 3^rd degree from a market woman in her native language or getting scammed by some ‘smart aleck’ hence the quote at the beginning of this post.

So I’ve put together some tips on getting around in Lagos called Jungle 101: The JJC’s Guide to Surviving On The Streets of Lagos. They may not come off in the conventional method but at least you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

1.       Everybody in Lagos is either in a hurry to get somewhere or just impatient:  This applies mostly to danfo (commercial motor) drivers. So if you’re entering a danfo and you decide to do so with ‘swagger’ don’t be surprised if the bus suddenly moves from 0-60mph with your butt still hanging out the door.

2.       A lot of people in Lagos are usually angry: Blame it on the heat, blame it on the boss who decides to cut salaries by 30%, blame it on the landlord who gives just a month’s quit notice, point is that 70% of Lagosians move around with a scowl on their faces. So if you accidentally bump into someone, or step on another’s foot or even spill someone’s items, you better apologize quick or you could be picking your teeth from the floor.

3.       Not everyone asking you for directions is actually lost: When somebody walks up to you claiming to be from Senegal or from Equatorial Guinea and doesn’t know his way around, I’ve got just one advice for you: RUN! These guys are usually from Ewekoro or Umuofia and have been in Lagos for like forever. Next thing you know, they’re ‘seeing visions’ on how bloodshed is about to visit your family and how you must produce some ‘red rock from Mars’ to avert this. When accosted by these people, tell them ‘Back to Sender’ and take off!

4.       Those guys in green uniform are NOT the ‘Green House members of the Boys Brigade!!!’: They are KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) officers and they’re known to make Hitler look like Saint Francis. They’re mostly on the Island, especially Lagos Island and Victoria Island or Ojota. The ones at Ojota are usually out to nab people crossing the expressway instead of using the bridge so even though you feel like you’ve been trampled upon by 1,000 African elephants, my friend climb the bridge or risk being an ‘ex-con’.

5.       Be sure to look both sides of the road before crossing even on a ‘one-way’ road: That is because you could get knocked off your shoes by one demonic Okada rider who has decided to ply ‘one-way’ and increase your chances of being a ‘live-in’ tourist at Igbobi.

6.       A lot of Lagos drivers don’t know what a Zebra Crossing is: They actually mistake it for a finish line. So when next you’re at a Zebra Crossing, you might want to hurry it up across those lines or else some angry driver in a hurry might just use his/her car tires to add you to those lines.

7.       If you’re on the road and people suddenly start running, don’t ask questions…RUN! : This is very common in Lagos. You’re walking on the road, everything is bright and sunny and you can even hear birds chirping. Suddenly, for no reason people start running. In Hollywood movies, the character has time to ask ‘what’s going on?’ and even wants to see what’s up. That’s OYIBO! This is LAGOS! And in Lagos, you RUN! Or else we might just be seeing half of your face in an episode of NTA “NEWSLINE” (The other half will be barely recognizable under all the injuries).

8.       There’s no such thing as ‘Missing Groins’: But there’s definitely missing wallets & cell phones. So when you’re in a very busy area, you might just want to get your hands off your groin and put them instead over wherever you keep your wallet & cell phones because in Lagos, ‘Houdinis’ walk amongst us.

9.       That ‘supposedly’ original Gucci wristwatch or Dior sunshades you bought from that street vendor, aint the real thing! : He’ll tell you they just brought it in from the UK and that it’s a limited edition so you don’t get to see it everywhere….WRONG!!! You cough out big money for it (by now he would have convinced you that the ridiculous amount you’re even paying is actually a good bargain) and then 30 minutes later, you’d want to check out your latest acquisition just to make yourself feel good and that’s when you notice that the GUCCI is spelt GUCI and the DIOR is spelt DOIR!

10.     Fone isn’t going to do much for you: If not anything, it could worsen your situation. You stop a taxi and speak with an acquired foreign accent aka ‘fone’? Guy’s definitely going to triple your cab fare! If you’re in a danfo, please be sure to call bus-stops the way they’re called: ‘Anthony’ is ‘Antoni’ ‘Palmgrove’ is ‘Kpangroof’ ‘Sandgrouse’ is ‘Sangross’ ‘Temple’ is ‘Tempu’ . Learn and stick to the local names/parlance or else you might just find yourself well on your way to Benin Republic!

Welcome to Lagos.....the Concrete Jungle