Sickness & Death for sale

Last night, my mother reported our domestic help to me

The girl had gone to buy bread which was to be used as breakfast for the family and without checking the bread, put it in her bag and skipped back home. When my father had settled down to eat, he picked up the loaf and noticed a foul smell coming from it. On further inspection, it was discovered that our girl was given a loaf of bread which had fallen on feaces. She was ordered to take it back and took another one instead

One to be easily irritated and sickened by disgusting stuff, I called the girl and gave her some serious tongue drilling on hygiene and how she’s supposed to be vigilant at all times especially when buying things that people put in their mouths.

Its common knowledge that most of the illnesses people suffer is as a result of what they eat but what got to me the most was the fact that these guys knew that there was something wrong with that loaf of bread yet out of greed and lust for money they decided to kill their conscience, turn a blind eye and put the money in their pockets without the slightest regard for the consequences that would follow.

People put poisonous substances in toothpaste, soft drinks and goodness knows what else because the chemicals are cheaper than the standard ones which are supposed to be used and safer as well. They don’t care that hundreds of people could die... that parents could loose their babies and little children... that children could loose their mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters... that a lot of families could be thrown into an eternal grief that even time cannot heal. All they care about is the profit they would make and how rich they were going to be in the next 2-3 months.

Thanks to man’s greed, one can buy illness and death at any price they want. For N20, you can buy an orange which had fallen into the gutter and wasn’t properly washed but wiped with a dirty cloth or wrapper (Oh yeah I've seen that one happen). For N100-N120 you can buy a loaf of bread which has been contaminated by the deadliest bacteria you can find under the microscope, for N500 or more one can buy a teething mixture that would cut down the life of an innocent little child without giving that child a chance to see the world or become the person he/she was destined to become.

The quest for wealth and affluence has made killers out of a lot of people and as long as it isn’t any relative of theirs, they don’t care.

May the good Lord continue to help us all and may instant judgment come down upon those who know the implications of these actions yet they choose to tread the path of sickness and death in their search for instant money

Emptiness

'I feel so empty & hollow inside; I can't find the right words to describe it. If this is the same feeling people have before committing suicide, then I'm scared'

That was the content of an SMS I had sent to a friend yesterday. What I got was the fastest call back ever in the history of my using a gsm phone. My friend was concerned about how I was feeling and was more worried when I explained further that it's so deep that I can't put my finger on it.

These past days have been the most depressing period I have experienced since my relationship crashed some years ago. When it first happened, I took it as one of those momentary mood swings that disappear as fast as it came. But I was wrong

It’s been days now and I can’t shake off the feeling

Empty...unfulfilled...unhappy. That's the major feeling I've been having these past couple of days. Throw in the drain that I feel emotionally and psychologically and you have the perfect picture of what I'm going through.

I don’t like where I am, I’m not satisfied with where I am. I want more and I know that it’s out there but I’m afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Questions continue to plague my mind

‘What if you don’t get something when you eventually get out?’

My mother and some of my friends don’t seem to make it any better. They keep feeding my fear with their ‘advice’

‘You had better stay where you are until you get something else’

‘Don’t make that mistake o! it’s really difficult out there when you don’t have something to fall back on’

If only they knew what it’s like to have your energy drained out of you. To watch the days go by feeling like you’re only existing and not living. To have your heart feel so heavy and be depressed for no reason.

If only they knew

What am I to do? Do I make the blind jump and trust the fact that by some twist of fate, something else will fall on my lap

Or do I stay put and continue to endure emotional and psychological suffering just for the sake of security?

I don’t know. but I know one thing

I am not satisfied hence, I am unhappy...yet I am afraid

THIRD PAINLAND BRIDGE!

A facebook friend (lol) of mine, sent this hilarious story to me and I wanted to share the humor with everyone who visits this blog. It's titled THIRD PAINLAND BRIDGE by Gbenga X-Adebija and it's an excerpt from his forthcoming collection of short stories titled STORYTELLA.

Read and Enjoy!

THIRD PAINLAND BRIDGE!

Like most folks who live and work on Lagos Mainland, any trip to Lagos Island is cause for significant apprehension and trepidation. Having been traumatized a few times over the years by the mind-boggling hold-ups on third mainland bridge, I had consequently limited any trips to the island to family outings at weekends when there would be virtually no traffic on the bridge. Alas, this blissful state was totally shattered when much to my chagrin, a significant percentage of my clients are based on the island. This means numerous meetings on Ikoyi and Victoria Island, via the third mainland bridge. The eve of any such meetings would mostly be spent in a dark and somber state of mind, a thick cloud of melancholy enveloping my mood. The following day’s trip was an unfolding nightmare which I could not control. Being a “novice” at such matters, I often misjudged the traffic and quite a few times ended up hours in advance of scheduled appointments. On one of such occasions, anticipating heavy traffic, I took off early(too early!) and found myself with about 3 hours to kill. An unwise decision to detour and look up an old friend meant I just about made the appointment with a few minutes to spare! Needless to say, I spent the first part of the meeting simply nodding in agreement with everyone and looking “wise”! I was only trying to catch my breath, phew!

Another meeting on another day and I approach the third mainland bridge. My heart sinks when I see the massive stretch of vehicles. It looks like the New York Marathon on wheels! This is despite the fact that I left home relatively early in the morning for a mid-day appointment on the island.

Una no dey sleep for this Lagos? I wonder.

There must have been at least five lanes and I gingerly maneuver into the nearest accessible one. It is somewhat central and hemmed in between a massive truck and a large staff bus, I start feeling slightly claustrophobic! I wind down the windows and look around. Most of my new “neighbours” seem fatigued(not enough sleep, perhaps?) and their faces look grim. Minutes roll by and we remain immobile, no movement. Gawd! One of the cars slightly ahead of me to the side contains a couple and the wife is seriously berating the man who seats with slumped shoulders. From the bits and pieces of what I hear, the man is responsible for their lateness and subsequent plight in traffic that morning. Hmmm.. strange because women are far more likely to be the cause of lateness than men?(any female readers out there with a different opinion? Email gadebija@yahoo.com).

Anyway, I must have been doing “amebo” rather too obviously, because the man suddenly sits up and swings around to glare at me. His face is contorted in anger. Talk about transferred aggression! I quickly pretend to drop something on the floor of the car and bend down out of sight of his murderous glare. I remain motionless until I suddenly hear loud blaring of horns and raised voices. Gingerly, I straighten up only to find that the vehicles in front of me have moved a few yards ahead. All around and behind me, the “neighbours” are angrily questioning both my ancestry and mental stability. Quickly, I drive the car forward taking care to move as far as possible from “Mr husband” who is still looking daggers at me. I am over six feet and about two hundred pounds so “Mr husband” would probably suffer a rude shock if he is foolhardy enough to press the issue, but still, I am taking no chances o! For all I know he could be an expert in martial arts!

My car draws level with a Toyota Camry filled with girls. Now, that’s better! The girl driving the car looks casually in my direction and then suddenly smiles. I return the smile, happy to see a friendly face after “Mr husband’s” savage scowls(Editor’s comment: yeah right!)

“Your face looks familiar” she says

The girls in the car also look at me. This goes on for sometime and I manage to keep a straight face.

“Are you an actor or a model or something?” girl- driver asks.

“Me? No way!” I answer.

“So, how come your face looks familiar?” she persists.

Again, I am subjected to intense scrutiny by five pairs of eyes.

One of the girls in the back leans forward and whispers something to girl- driver.

“My sister says she has seen you on TV. Have you been on TV before?”

I reply in the affirmative.

Girl-whisperer leans forward again.

“What’s your name?” asks girl- driver

“Gbenga”

Another mini-conference among the girls ensues.

Girl- driver looked across at me “You were a judge on The Intern abi?”

“Yes,” I confirm

Girl-whisperer speaks aloud for the first time. Girl Aloud?

“And why have you stopped writing for ThisDay ?”

Yeeee!

Images of my editor, Gabriella Osamor, flash through my mind. Let me say here that Gabriella has two methods, both equally persuasive, of getting what she wants. Method A is a systematic and calculated avalanche of calls/text messages while Method B is ominous silence. I frantically try to remember the last time I wrote my column, two weeks? Three weeks? Can’t remember.

Wahala!

Dimly, I become aware that one of the girls is asking me a question.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I apologize.

“Do you have Ebuka’s number? He is soooo cute!” she gushes.

I search my phone and call out Ebuka’s number. The girls whip out their handsets and store the number.

“Is he a nice guy?” one of the girls smiles coyly

“Very, very nice” I say. I make a mental note to compel Ebuka to “settle” me. All the PR must be paid for!

The girls wave goodbye as the line begins to move again. When the cars inevitably halts, I find myself at the edge of the lane closest to the water. Suddenly, extremely unwisely, I start to remember all the mails on the internet about real or imagined structural defects of the bridge. Infact, a group of Nigerians in Los Angeles held me “hostage” on a recent visit to inquire about the health status of the bridge. I recall being touched by their concern for relatives and friends back “home” who frequently used the bridge and my fervent assurances seemed to provide great relief. However, the truth was that I knew absolutely nothing about the bridge but I did not think it was a good idea to reinforce their fears!

I peer over the rails on the bridge and stare at the mass of water. God forbid, that anything should happen o, because I can’t swim! No movement at all. I vaguely recall reading about a 4^th Mainland Bridge in the works. About time too! Suddenly, I hear something alarming. Eh? Wetin be dat? The bridge is shaking? Help! Anyway, we finally start moving again. I look at my watch. Two hours have gone by. What a waste of time and manpower. Have there been any studies to track how much the country loses on a daily basis?

My thoughts are interrupted by a dark and swarthy man tapping on my window. I wind down to attend to him.

“Oga, buy correct and latest CD and DVD” he beams at me.

My eyes rove through his inventory which seemed to be rather extensive. I have a few reservations about the quality of the offers, so decide to turn him down very nicely.

“Do you have the latest CD by Engelbert Humperdinck?”

His eyes bulge with surprise and shock.

“wetin be dat?” he gasps

I maintain a poker face.

“Engelbert Humperdinck. That’s the only music I listen to”

His sales instincts kick in smoothly

“ I get am but I just sell the last one, now now. ” he tells me

I spread my arms in an exaggerated gesture of despair

“E pain me say you no get Engelbert Humperdinck o!” I say

He shrugs disconsolately.

“Maybe one of your friends fit get. Why don’t you ask around for me?” I suggest

His face brightens

“Ok, I go try” he declares

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him approach one of his colleagues. After a few moments both of them turn to stare at me and approach my vehicle.

“Ethelbert wetin you call am oga?” the other one asks

“No be Ethelbert, na Engelbert” I correct him.

Both men exchange glances

“Im be naija man?” one asks

I laugh heartily

“No, na oyinbo man”

A slight pause

“I thought you said you had his CD” I say accusingly.

He looks somewhat sheepish

“Na Ethelbert Humphrey Dick I get” he blusters

Now it is my turn to look perplexed.

“Who be dat?”

A triumphant look alights on the face of the CD vendor’s face

“Oga, e be like say you no current at all o!”

With that parting shot, he bids farewell and saunters away.

Yeee!!

To console myself, I switch on the car cd and insert a CD of rock and heavy metal songs. (And yes, it includes a track by Engelbert Humperdink!). A few minutes later, I somehow find myself side by side with my arch enemy, “Mr husband” himself! We eyeball each other and he looks away. Either he has forgotten about the incident which happened two hours previously or he has “forgiven” me. Either way, bless him! Because, now that I have a closer look at “Mr husband” I can see that he more than matches me in size and other physical attributes! There is a standstill, no movement for about ten minutes, but I continue to enjoy the rock music from Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bon Jovi, Guns & Roses, blaring from my CD player.

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted .

“Mr Man, what kind of music is that now?”

I could not believe my ears. Leaning across to address me is “Mrs wife”

“Good morning Madam, are you talking to me? I politely respond

“Yes, you. Why are you playing all that demonic music early this morning?”

My jaw drops open.

“I don’t know what is wrong with some people. Why can’t you play music that will edify your soul and people around you?”

I am totally speechless. Unbelievable!

She continues to harangue me

“Not that I am harassing you(oh really?) but I am just advising you for your own good because I am an evangelist(oh really?) and your soul will be on my conscience(oh really?) if I don’t warn you of the consequences of what you are doing”

I turn to appeal to “Mr husband” to call his wife to order and I am further shocked by what I see.

His face is wreathed in smiles! He then winks at me and pleadingly signals for me to ignore her.

So, I reach forward and turn off the car CD.

“Ok, Madam. Thanks for your advice.” I say

She looks pleased at her “victory”.

“God bless you and let me invite you to my church”

I listen with feigned interest as she gives me the details.

“Thank you, Madam”

She wags a warning finger as traffic starts to move

“See you on Sunday o!”

Yeah, right….

I am Impatient

I am impatient by nature. I have never hidden it

I have long accepted the fact that patience is a virtue I cannot boast of having.
An acceptance which has long put me at peace with my self

I don’t suffer fools gladly and I see no reason why I should be around you if we cannot indulge ourselves in some degree of creative & intellectual sparring ( And I don’t mean all those Chemistry or History notes you crammed to pass while you were in school- try engaging me in that and I’ll be sure to flee from you. Not out of insecurity but just plain boredom!)

I don’t have the patience to wait for people to learn the same lesson over & over again especially when they’ve heard it 20 times before

I don’t have patience for people who are sluggish in nature, dragging their feet until the soles of their shoes scream for mercy

I don’t have patience for the cashier at the bank who takes a clear 20mins to perform a simple transaction- an exercise which is usually done in 10 mins, sometimes less

I don’t have the patience to sit down and wait for hours for something which technology has made possible to have in a matter of minutes

I don’t have the patience to wait for a webpage to load and tug at my hair, looking for strands of grey hair while I wait for emails to be sent or for files to attach

I don’t have patience for people who call themselves educated and yet their behaviors are worse than those of the people in the villages

I don't have patience for people who drive like they got their driving lessons from monkeys in the wild.

I don’t have patience for people transferring their aggression to me like I’m the one who’s responsible for the way they’re feeling- I’ve got enough of my own issues to deal with and clearly I don’t want yours!

I don't have patience for 'control freaks' and 'busy bodies'. Always trying to pry into your private life and take whatever control they can have over it- Quit minding my business and mind yours for a change!

I don't have patience for people who keep promising they won't do something again, yet they go back and do the same damn thing- If you've not learned the lesson yet then quit wasting my time & yours

I don’t have patience for snobbish, arrogant, rude & saucy people who treat others in a condescending manner just because they ‘believe’ they’re better financially & socially – like hell you are!

I don’t have patience for a boyfriend who likes to behave like he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me since the sanitary pad and goes on to disrespect me & my feelings. He should be intelligent enough to know where the door is so I don’t have to waste my energy showing it to him.

I don’t have patience for a friend who berates me and finds fault in everything I do and every decision I take just to make herself feel better-Go find someone else to ease your insecurities for you

I don’t have patience for whiners. They whine and whine about anything and everything and in the process, they drain your energy as well leaving you depressed for no reason- who said misery doesn’t love company? Quit whining and do something about it!

I don’t have patience for a lazy person who doesn’t want to make something out of him/herself but is content with mooching off others- either you get a life or you get the hell out of mine!

I don’t have the patience. It’s that simple.
I am what I say I am. I am impatient

Prejudice

A relative of mine believes that the Yorubas are the worst people to walk the face of the earth. A colleague at work would rather die or remain a spinster for life than marry an Ibo man. Some people look at the Hausas with the same suspicion with which an American/European looks at his fellow man from the Middle East. They think 'north and the only picture that comes to their minds are violence and the senseless slaughter of innocent people. Say Binni person to some and the next word that comes out of their mouths is 'Witchcraft'. Makes me wonder 'so which is the perfect ethnic group'?

Is it the Yoruba who are seen as deceitful, two faced walking Nigerian versions of ‘Judas Iscariot’? whose men are known to be irresponsible when it comes to marriages indulging themselves in 15 to 20 mistresses outside when they clearly have 1 or 2 wives at home? Who are also seen as highly fetish and heavy ‘juju’ practitioners?

Is it the Ibo, who is seen as a greedy, shrewd and manipulative money worshiper? Whose love for wealth and affluence pushes them to throw away all moral dictates that they learn and take part in money making rituals which more often than not, leads to loss of lives or sanity? Who are known to make a young widow drink the water used in washing her husband’s corpse just to prove that she’s innocent and has no hand in his death?

Is it the Hausa who has no qualms about drawing his dagger and stabbing his neighbor from the south with whom ironically, he had shared lunch just hours ago thanks so some religious radicalism?

People at some point or the other, have consciously or unconsciously allowed ethnic prejudice to cloud their perceptions and views of someone or some people. Now I’m not talking about the village people who know no other place than their home towns. I’m talking about the so called enlightened, educated people. The doctors, the bank executives, the engineers, the lawyers, the architects, the lecturers, the business executives. They claim to be enlightened, yet you would hear these same people say ‘Lai lai! I can never marry anyone who’s not from my tribe’

Another surprising bunch are the so called ‘Christians’. They claim to be children of God: you’d go to church and they’re the ones sitting in the first row. When it’s time for praise worship they’re the ones who sing and clap the loudest. When it’s time for prayers, they speak in tongues more advanced than that of the pastor. Those same lips with which they howl unto God are the same lips with which they’ll go out and say ‘Omo Ibo ke? Olorun ma je!’ ‘Onye Yoruba? Tufiakwa!’ indirectly telling God that He did a bad job by creating such an ethnic group. So much for being children of God. What a bunch of hypocrites!

People have forgotten that we have to deal with people on an individual basis and not as a member of an ethnic group. Ok so you had a bad experience with someone else from that group, is it fair to judge everyone because of that? I used to tell my mum that if Jesus was a tribalist, he wouldn’t waste his time dying for the whole world. He would have died for the Jews alone and that was it! We wouldn’t get a shot at Heaven. But He chose to die for you as an individual not as an Ibo, Yoruba, Hausa or Efik person

I hope that one day, I would go out and no one will judge me based on my ethnicity. That I would be seen as ‘Rita the individual’ and not ‘Rita the Ibo girl’. That I would stop hearing people make prejudiced comments about any tribe. Statements to that effect sickens me each time I hear them

If you have a problem with them, why don’t you go up to God and say ‘Look! You really did a bad job creating that tribe’. I can imagine Him looking at you and saying ‘What makes you think yours is any better’?

And while you’re giving a list of 10 reasons why that tribe isn’t good, be sure to know that there’s also a list of 10 reasons why yours are seen as the scum of the earth!

New Year Resolutions??? I don't think so

So the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2009. Like my other christian brothers and sisters, I was in church thanking God for the year 2008 and believing for the best in 2009. We prayed, we sang, we praised the Lord, wished each other Happy New Year as we watched fireworks go off....I got calls from 2 of my closest friends, one in the UK, the other in the United States. It was my typical entry into the new year except for one thing....I did not have a New Year's resolution and frankly, I didn't want to have any.

The past years have seen me start off with one New Year's resolution or the other ' I will write more...I will exercise more....I will gain more weight (this was when my parents labeled me 'anorexic' and threatened to send me off to the hospital for a marathon of tests)...I will loose weight (when my jeans were getting too tight and my pocket wasn't in the mood to buy more)...I will work harder.....I will control my emotions...I will pay off all my debts...I'll never borrow money from family & friends again....I will be financially independent'...the list is endless. But in the end, these resolutions get shot out of the sky and never go beyond January 10th.

I have then come to the conclusion that like rules, resolutions are made to be broken. We say them because we try to fulfill all righteousness to ourselves that at least we ought to have one and in the end, we feel no guilt or disappointment when they're broken.

So instead of making resolutions this year, I decided to challenge myself and have goals instead. At least I'll know that I have failed (A feeling I have grown to hate so much) when I don't meet those goals and that propels me to work towards them.

Anyone who made resolutions, good luck to you guys. By the end of the month, I'll definitely come and ask you how far with your resolutions

Shalom!