Emptiness

'I feel so empty & hollow inside; I can't find the right words to describe it. If this is the same feeling people have before committing suicide, then I'm scared'

That was the content of an SMS I had sent to a friend yesterday. What I got was the fastest call back ever in the history of my using a gsm phone. My friend was concerned about how I was feeling and was more worried when I explained further that it's so deep that I can't put my finger on it.

These past days have been the most depressing period I have experienced since my relationship crashed some years ago. When it first happened, I took it as one of those momentary mood swings that disappear as fast as it came. But I was wrong

It’s been days now and I can’t shake off the feeling

Empty...unfulfilled...unhappy. That's the major feeling I've been having these past couple of days. Throw in the drain that I feel emotionally and psychologically and you have the perfect picture of what I'm going through.

I don’t like where I am, I’m not satisfied with where I am. I want more and I know that it’s out there but I’m afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Questions continue to plague my mind

‘What if you don’t get something when you eventually get out?’

My mother and some of my friends don’t seem to make it any better. They keep feeding my fear with their ‘advice’

‘You had better stay where you are until you get something else’

‘Don’t make that mistake o! it’s really difficult out there when you don’t have something to fall back on’

If only they knew what it’s like to have your energy drained out of you. To watch the days go by feeling like you’re only existing and not living. To have your heart feel so heavy and be depressed for no reason.

If only they knew

What am I to do? Do I make the blind jump and trust the fact that by some twist of fate, something else will fall on my lap

Or do I stay put and continue to endure emotional and psychological suffering just for the sake of security?

I don’t know. but I know one thing

I am not satisfied hence, I am unhappy...yet I am afraid