Spielberg Script on a Tomato Budget

I was stressed.

There was a movie premiere coming up in a matter of weeks and since my friend had left the country on the compulsory maternity leave, I was left to pilot the organization and preparation towards the event.

It was also my first time doing this job solo so one can imagine the physical, psychological and emotional energy I had put into the project. At this point, I had done everything from blowing a gasket in anger, to heaping curses which of course was done in the secrecy of my mind to breaking down in tears. It was far from a pleasant experience. I had even called my friend to tell her I wasn’t sure if I could go on with this on my own. I was an emotional steamroller  on a 300km/ph collision course with Zuma rock.

I needed something to calm me down, to make me laugh and like the Papa Ajasco jingle always tells us ‘Laugh till you forget your name’. What I didn’t bargain for was the madness I was about to get.

My phone rang. I looked at the caller ID; it was Ekene* (Name changed to protect the individual’s identity’

‘Chi how now?’  He had asked.

‘I dey’ I replied; that was always my default response to the ‘how now’ question.

‘Abeg you fit come meet me for Finicky?’

‘Ekene’ I sighed tiredly (I really was tired) ‘I get work’

‘Abeg just come abeg. You no go stay long, just 30 minutes and you go back. I promise’

I sighed again. There was no shaking Ekene off. He had this tenacity which could always wear someone down to submission and I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to go back and forth with him.

‘Okay I dey come’

I could sense him smile in relief.

‘Thank you’

I grabbed my bag, told the staff that I’d be back in a jiffy and then headed out to hear whatever brain-wave Ekene had.

Ekene is a producer/director. In his head, he believes he’s the biggest thing to come out of Nollywood. In my reality, he’s just an Asaba champion. I wouldn’t have met or known him if some silly production assistant hadn't given out my number without first informing me and from then on, it’s been one grandiose film idea or the other. The way Ekene dreams would make Joseph really jealous.

I finally got to Finicky to see him waiting with a female who looked like she did some overtime on Tura cream and carried herself with an attitude the size of Texas.

Ekene grinned at me as I sat down. 

I had the manners to greet, she lacked the manners to respond.

Strike 1

‘Thank you for coming’ Ekene said to me.

I had no time for niceties or idle chatter.

‘What’s up?’ I asked

And then the craziness began.

Apparently, the lady is a ‘producer’ who wants to shoot a film about a certain man’s rise from humble beginnings to becoming a powerful  man in government. I listened intently as Ekene painted this grand ‘24’meets ‘West Wing’ story. When he finished, he turned to me.

‘So how much to write it’

‘Ekene you know how much I charge’ I responded tiredly. I had told him countless times my rates for writing a screenplay.

‘How much na?’

I told them. And that was when the female realized that she could actually speak.

´Ah! That is a lot na’

‘That’s how much I charge’

Ekene steps in and tries to use his ‘you-know-me-and-I-know-you’ card.

‘Chi abeg come down. At least for me’

‘How much are you budgeting?’

’50 thousand’  the female chirps in.

I couldn’t believe my ears.

´Excuse me?’

Then she tries to be funny.

´What? Are you too big for 50 thousand?’ she asked with a smug look on her face.

Strike 2

At this point, I was already cursing Ekene in my mind for dragging me here for such rubbish. I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could.

‘If you want a script of my amount, you’d get it, if you want a 50 thousand naira script, you will still get it. Even 20 thousand naira scripts are possible’

The female turns to Ekene who shrugs helplessly and then she turns back to me.

´How many parts will the script be?’ she asks in her thick ‘Made in Aba’ accent.

I wasn’t sure I understood the question.

´Parts?’

‘Yes. Will it be part 1 to 3?’

‘I don’t know but I don’t think the film will be THAT long’

She shakes her head in vehement rejection.

‘Ah no o! It has to be o! for that amount? When there’s somebody I pay 100 thousand to write part 1 to 7 for me? What will you write then?’

Strike 3

That’s it! I had had it with ‘talking Tura cream’. I stood up, grabbed my bag.

‘Chi wait na’ Ekene pleaded as he tried to stop me.

‘Abeg I’m busy. Later’ I muttered and left the place.

As I walked out, I couldn't help but think of the absurdity of what went on back there.  She actually wanted a ‘Spielberg-like’ script but wasn't willing to pay for a script its worth. To think of all the time and money I was going to spend on research only to be paid a measly amount? This job certainly wasn't worth it. And to think that Ekene dragged me out for this rubbish.

I looked at my watch: 3:25. I had only spent twenty five minutes back there.

At least Ekene kept his word.

When Being An Actor is More Than Just Having A Pretty/Handsome Face

I have sat through my own fair share of auditions. Some of them were open ones when you’ll have to sit through 5-6 hours watching people who number over a hundred come in one by one to read out a script. Then there were the private ones where aspiring actors were given an appointment to come and audition where the only audiences were the producers and us writers.

I must say an audition especially an open one can sometimes be a tiring and frustrating process. You see different people with different characters come over to take a shot at landing a role in an upcoming movie. Half of these people can’t speak well and there are those with these acquired and annoying accents that I can best describe as somewhere between ‘Cambodian’ and ‘Sri-Lankan’…yes it’s very annoying!

Then there are these people who I must say are good looking, they know it and then they believe that since they’re good-looking, it automatically qualifies them not only to be actors but to rise meteorically into the group of A-list actors. I would have sort of agreed with them…if only their acting skills were not akin to a lizard trying to pass off as an alligator.

The problem with a lot of aspiring actors is that they think acting is just about standing infront of a camera and delivering lines. They look at our current A-listers and all they see is flashy cars, traveling business class all over the world, brand endorsements running into seven to eight figures, not putting into thought the hard-work these people must have put in to get to where they are today.

I remember once in the late 90s early 2000s, I was watching a program on TV and Genevieve Nnaji was being interviewed. She was the fast rising star then and the interviewer had asked how she prepares herself for acting. Genevieve responded by saying she spent hours infront of a mirror, practicing. Thinking back, I now wonder how many young girls/guys who want to be actors actually take time out to do that? I can almost bet that the only times these young ones look in a mirror is to re-apply makeup and to ensure that their hair/outfits are not out of order.

Nobody wants to work hard anymore. They want the glitz and glamour but are they ready to sweat for it the way these guys did? If there were no endorsements, appearance fees and trips around the world, would they still consider taking up an acting career? There’s clearly a case of misplaced passions here: the passion isn’t for acting but for the material benefits that come with it.

Uche Jombo once told me it took her over 11years to get to where she is right now, Ramsey Nuoah first appeared on my TV screen when I was in Secondary School. A lot of these guys have paid their dues and they deserve the rewards that come with such sacrifices.

So I’d advise the pretty girl/handsome guy who wants to act just by virtue of the fact that they are ‘fine’…Look in the mirror and tell yourselves the truth. If you can’t act, stay away from acting but if you still insist and aren’t willing to improve on yourself, (shrugs) there’s always Asaba and ‘waka-pass’ roles for you.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

‘Mugu dey fall make guy-man chop’ (the fool’s fall is to the clever man’s gain)

That is exactly how my brother describes life in Lagos; the busiest city in Nigeria and perhaps West Africa.

It’s funny how when travelling down to Lagos from out of town, you’re greeted with a sign ‘Welcome to ….. State’ ‘Welcome to ….. State’ each time you pass through one state or the other but when you get to Lagos, you’re greeted with the sign ‘THIS IS LAGOS’ as though warning you that once you pass the toll gates, you’re on your own.

And in a way, the sign does tell you the truth; Lagos is nobody’s friend.

Day in day out, you’re either fouled for obeying traffic laws you knew nothing about, almost having your legs broken by Okada riders who materialize out of nowhere,  getting the 3^rd degree from a market woman in her native language or getting scammed by some ‘smart aleck’ hence the quote at the beginning of this post.

So I’ve put together some tips on getting around in Lagos called Jungle 101: The JJC’s Guide to Surviving On The Streets of Lagos. They may not come off in the conventional method but at least you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

1.       Everybody in Lagos is either in a hurry to get somewhere or just impatient:  This applies mostly to danfo (commercial motor) drivers. So if you’re entering a danfo and you decide to do so with ‘swagger’ don’t be surprised if the bus suddenly moves from 0-60mph with your butt still hanging out the door.

2.       A lot of people in Lagos are usually angry: Blame it on the heat, blame it on the boss who decides to cut salaries by 30%, blame it on the landlord who gives just a month’s quit notice, point is that 70% of Lagosians move around with a scowl on their faces. So if you accidentally bump into someone, or step on another’s foot or even spill someone’s items, you better apologize quick or you could be picking your teeth from the floor.

3.       Not everyone asking you for directions is actually lost: When somebody walks up to you claiming to be from Senegal or from Equatorial Guinea and doesn’t know his way around, I’ve got just one advice for you: RUN! These guys are usually from Ewekoro or Umuofia and have been in Lagos for like forever. Next thing you know, they’re ‘seeing visions’ on how bloodshed is about to visit your family and how you must produce some ‘red rock from Mars’ to avert this. When accosted by these people, tell them ‘Back to Sender’ and take off!

4.       Those guys in green uniform are NOT the ‘Green House members of the Boys Brigade!!!’: They are KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) officers and they’re known to make Hitler look like Saint Francis. They’re mostly on the Island, especially Lagos Island and Victoria Island or Ojota. The ones at Ojota are usually out to nab people crossing the expressway instead of using the bridge so even though you feel like you’ve been trampled upon by 1,000 African elephants, my friend climb the bridge or risk being an ‘ex-con’.

5.       Be sure to look both sides of the road before crossing even on a ‘one-way’ road: That is because you could get knocked off your shoes by one demonic Okada rider who has decided to ply ‘one-way’ and increase your chances of being a ‘live-in’ tourist at Igbobi.

6.       A lot of Lagos drivers don’t know what a Zebra Crossing is: They actually mistake it for a finish line. So when next you’re at a Zebra Crossing, you might want to hurry it up across those lines or else some angry driver in a hurry might just use his/her car tires to add you to those lines.

7.       If you’re on the road and people suddenly start running, don’t ask questions…RUN! : This is very common in Lagos. You’re walking on the road, everything is bright and sunny and you can even hear birds chirping. Suddenly, for no reason people start running. In Hollywood movies, the character has time to ask ‘what’s going on?’ and even wants to see what’s up. That’s OYIBO! This is LAGOS! And in Lagos, you RUN! Or else we might just be seeing half of your face in an episode of NTA “NEWSLINE” (The other half will be barely recognizable under all the injuries).

8.       There’s no such thing as ‘Missing Groins’: But there’s definitely missing wallets & cell phones. So when you’re in a very busy area, you might just want to get your hands off your groin and put them instead over wherever you keep your wallet & cell phones because in Lagos, ‘Houdinis’ walk amongst us.

9.       That ‘supposedly’ original Gucci wristwatch or Dior sunshades you bought from that street vendor, aint the real thing! : He’ll tell you they just brought it in from the UK and that it’s a limited edition so you don’t get to see it everywhere….WRONG!!! You cough out big money for it (by now he would have convinced you that the ridiculous amount you’re even paying is actually a good bargain) and then 30 minutes later, you’d want to check out your latest acquisition just to make yourself feel good and that’s when you notice that the GUCCI is spelt GUCI and the DIOR is spelt DOIR!

10.     Fone isn’t going to do much for you: If not anything, it could worsen your situation. You stop a taxi and speak with an acquired foreign accent aka ‘fone’? Guy’s definitely going to triple your cab fare! If you’re in a danfo, please be sure to call bus-stops the way they’re called: ‘Anthony’ is ‘Antoni’ ‘Palmgrove’ is ‘Kpangroof’ ‘Sandgrouse’ is ‘Sangross’ ‘Temple’ is ‘Tempu’ . Learn and stick to the local names/parlance or else you might just find yourself well on your way to Benin Republic!

Welcome to Lagos.....the Concrete Jungle

A Screenwriting Job, A Deposit & A Gun To Your Head

I'm a screenwriter. I've been one since 2009 when out of the blue, I upped and quit my job in the publishing firm  where I had been working for the past 4 years and stepped out into the unknown.


Needless to say, my dad thought I had lost a few screws in my head and it didn't help that my resignation happened at a time when getting a job in Nigeria was synonymous with getting on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and winning the jackpot without using a single life-line. Truth is, I wasn't looking for another job. I mean I tried at first but my patience wore thin after a few months and I gave up altogether.


Luckily for me, there was screenwriting and the film/television industry. I decided to use whatever God-given talent I had, to make a way for myself. At first it was hard! The writing jobs came in trickles and were so spaced out that I had to stretch whatever I got paid for a script till another screenwriting job came in.


Three years later, I've begun to sing a different tune. I get a new recommendation and a new screenwriting job almost every week. Quite frankly, I'm not complaining about it at least bills have to be paid na. The issue now is when some of my clients want a fantastic script and they want it ASAP. Some tell me they want the script in 2weeks and I've gotten deadlines as  crazy as one week! 


I'm like 'Who the hell will give you a well thought out and written screenplay in one week???' I sure as hell am not an 'Asaba Writer' (Those ones just put pen on paper, scribble some stories together and voila! they have a screenplay ready for shoot)


A good screenplay needs to be 1. Well thought out, 2. Well plotted, 3. The dialogue has to be on point, 4. The subject of the screenplay has to have been well researched! How on earth am I supposed to produce all this in a week???


But clients don't want to know. The minute their advance touches your hand, they're on your case like leeches; determined not to let you catch your breath until the final scene has been written. It's like trying to write with a gun to your head! As far as they're concerned, their money has touched your hand so you must deliver when they say you should.


Then there's the annoying class of clients who hurry you to get the job done and then when it's finished, they keep silent as regards paying you your money. I mean 'what the hell????' They expect me to beome 'Speedy Gonzales' when I'm handling their jobs and then when it's done, these guys become 'Slowpoke Rodriguez' when it comes to paying up! 


So I'm sitting here with a bunch of screenplays to write, all with deadlines attached to them but then I sigh; A girl's gotta pay her bills.

Random Thoughts

It's funny how time flies and changes things in its. Sine the last time I put up a post (which I am ashamed to say has been over a year ago) a lot of things have happened in my life. I have learnt lessons from experiences, strangers became friends and friends became strangers. Along the way, I have shed some baggage which at first I thought I would manage, but ended up being excess baggage that kept weighing me down.

Overall, I have learnt a lot, these last months that has passed me by. For starters I now know that if you're not ready to hustle and when I say hustle I mean HUSTLE, there's no reason under the big yellow sun for you to quit your day job. I know the pay might suck, the boss might be a bastard straight from the pits of hell but trust me, that chicken change that hits your pocket at the end of every month just might be worth the headache. Especially now that better paying jobs are getting harder to come by and MSc is the new Bsc and the BSc is the new OND.

I now have a new form of insomnia which was work induced and where it's piratically impossible for me to sleep at anytime before 3am. I don't complain anyways, I just use my awake time to do more work. After all a girl has got to pay her bills.

So it's 1:51am in the morning and I'm taking a break from a screenplay to quickly post on this blog. I can only wish for things to get better but that is entirely up to me and the day to day decisions I have to take that would shape the future I want for me.