‘Mugu dey fall make guy-man chop’ (the fool’s fall is to the clever
man’s gain)
That is exactly how my brother
describes life in Lagos; the busiest city in Nigeria and perhaps West Africa.
It’s funny how when travelling
down to Lagos from out of town, you’re greeted with a sign ‘Welcome to …..
State’ ‘Welcome to ….. State’ each time you pass through one state or the other
but when you get to Lagos, you’re greeted with the sign ‘THIS IS LAGOS’ as
though warning you that once you pass the toll gates, you’re on your own.
And in a way, the sign does
tell you the truth; Lagos is nobody’s friend.
Day in day out, you’re either
fouled for obeying traffic laws you knew nothing about, almost having your legs
broken by Okada riders who materialize out of nowhere, getting the 3rd degree from a
market woman in her native language or getting scammed by some ‘smart aleck’
hence the quote at the beginning of this post.
So I’ve put together some tips
on getting around in Lagos called Jungle 101: The JJC’s Guide to Surviving On The
Streets of Lagos. They may not come off in the conventional method but
at least you’ll understand what I’m talking about.
THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.
1.
Everybody
in Lagos is either in a hurry to get somewhere or just impatient: This applies mostly to danfo (commercial
motor) drivers. So if you’re entering a danfo and you decide to do so with
‘swagger’ don’t be surprised if the bus suddenly moves from 0-60mph with your
butt still hanging out the door.
2.
A lot
of people in Lagos are usually angry: Blame it on the heat, blame it on the
boss who decides to cut salaries by 30%, blame it on the landlord who gives
just a month’s quit notice, point is that 70% of Lagosians move around with a
scowl on their faces. So if you
accidentally bump into someone, or step on another’s foot or even spill
someone’s items, you better apologize quick or you could be picking your teeth
from the floor.
3.
Not
everyone asking you for directions is actually lost: When somebody walks up
to you claiming to be from Senegal or from Equatorial Guinea and doesn’t know
his way around, I’ve got just one advice for you: RUN! These guys are usually
from Ewekoro or Umuofia and have been in Lagos for like forever. Next thing you
know, they’re ‘seeing visions’ on how bloodshed is about to visit your family
and how you must produce some ‘red rock from Mars’ to avert this. When accosted
by these people, tell them ‘Back to Sender’ and take off!
4.
Those
guys in green uniform are NOT the ‘Green House members of the Boys Brigade!!!’:
They are KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) officers and they’re known to make
Hitler look like Saint Francis. They’re mostly on the Island, especially Lagos
Island and Victoria Island or Ojota. The ones at Ojota are usually out to nab
people crossing the expressway instead of using the bridge so even though you
feel like you’ve been trampled upon by 1,000 African elephants, my friend climb
the bridge or risk being an ‘ex-con’.
5.
Be
sure to look both sides of the road before crossing even on a ‘one-way’ road: That
is because you could get knocked off your shoes by one demonic Okada rider who has
decided to ply ‘one-way’ and increase your chances of being a ‘live-in’ tourist
at Igbobi.
6.
A lot
of Lagos drivers don’t know what a Zebra Crossing is: They actually mistake
it for a finish line. So when next you’re at a Zebra Crossing, you might want
to hurry it up across those lines or else some angry driver in a hurry might
just use his/her car tires to add you to those lines.
7.
If you’re
on the road and people suddenly start running, don’t ask questions…RUN! : This
is very common in Lagos. You’re walking on the road, everything is bright and
sunny and you can even hear birds chirping. Suddenly, for no reason people
start running. In Hollywood movies, the character has time to ask ‘what’s going
on?’ and even wants to see what’s up. That’s OYIBO! This is LAGOS! And in
Lagos, you RUN! Or else we might just be seeing half of your face in an episode
of NTA “NEWSLINE” (The other half will be barely recognizable under all the
injuries).
8.
There’s
no such thing as ‘Missing Groins’: But there’s definitely missing wallets
& cell phones. So when you’re in a very busy area, you might just want to
get your hands off your groin and put them instead over wherever you keep your
wallet & cell phones because in Lagos, ‘Houdinis’ walk amongst us.
9.
That ‘supposedly’
original Gucci wristwatch or Dior sunshades you bought from that street vendor,
aint the real thing! : He’ll tell you they just brought it in from the UK
and that it’s a limited edition so you don’t get to see it everywhere….WRONG!!!
You cough out big money for it (by now he would have convinced you that the ridiculous
amount you’re even paying is actually a good bargain) and then 30 minutes
later, you’d want to check out your latest acquisition just to make yourself
feel good and that’s when you notice that the GUCCI is spelt GUCI and the DIOR
is spelt DOIR!
10.
Fone
isn’t going to do much for you: If not anything, it could worsen your
situation. You stop a taxi and speak with an acquired foreign accent aka ‘fone’?
Guy’s definitely going to triple your cab fare! If you’re in a danfo, please be
sure to call bus-stops the way they’re called: ‘Anthony’ is ‘Antoni’
‘Palmgrove’ is ‘Kpangroof’ ‘Sandgrouse’ is ‘Sangross’ ‘Temple’ is ‘Tempu’
. Learn and stick to the local names/parlance or else you might just
find yourself well on your way to Benin Republic!
Welcome to Lagos.....the Concrete Jungle
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