When Being An Actor is More Than Just Having A Pretty/Handsome Face

I have sat through my own fair share of auditions. Some of them were open ones when you’ll have to sit through 5-6 hours watching people who number over a hundred come in one by one to read out a script. Then there were the private ones where aspiring actors were given an appointment to come and audition where the only audiences were the producers and us writers.

I must say an audition especially an open one can sometimes be a tiring and frustrating process. You see different people with different characters come over to take a shot at landing a role in an upcoming movie. Half of these people can’t speak well and there are those with these acquired and annoying accents that I can best describe as somewhere between ‘Cambodian’ and ‘Sri-Lankan’…yes it’s very annoying!

Then there are these people who I must say are good looking, they know it and then they believe that since they’re good-looking, it automatically qualifies them not only to be actors but to rise meteorically into the group of A-list actors. I would have sort of agreed with them…if only their acting skills were not akin to a lizard trying to pass off as an alligator.

The problem with a lot of aspiring actors is that they think acting is just about standing infront of a camera and delivering lines. They look at our current A-listers and all they see is flashy cars, traveling business class all over the world, brand endorsements running into seven to eight figures, not putting into thought the hard-work these people must have put in to get to where they are today.

I remember once in the late 90s early 2000s, I was watching a program on TV and Genevieve Nnaji was being interviewed. She was the fast rising star then and the interviewer had asked how she prepares herself for acting. Genevieve responded by saying she spent hours infront of a mirror, practicing. Thinking back, I now wonder how many young girls/guys who want to be actors actually take time out to do that? I can almost bet that the only times these young ones look in a mirror is to re-apply makeup and to ensure that their hair/outfits are not out of order.

Nobody wants to work hard anymore. They want the glitz and glamour but are they ready to sweat for it the way these guys did? If there were no endorsements, appearance fees and trips around the world, would they still consider taking up an acting career? There’s clearly a case of misplaced passions here: the passion isn’t for acting but for the material benefits that come with it.

Uche Jombo once told me it took her over 11years to get to where she is right now, Ramsey Nuoah first appeared on my TV screen when I was in Secondary School. A lot of these guys have paid their dues and they deserve the rewards that come with such sacrifices.

So I’d advise the pretty girl/handsome guy who wants to act just by virtue of the fact that they are ‘fine’…Look in the mirror and tell yourselves the truth. If you can’t act, stay away from acting but if you still insist and aren’t willing to improve on yourself, (shrugs) there’s always Asaba and ‘waka-pass’ roles for you.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

‘Mugu dey fall make guy-man chop’ (the fool’s fall is to the clever man’s gain)

That is exactly how my brother describes life in Lagos; the busiest city in Nigeria and perhaps West Africa.

It’s funny how when travelling down to Lagos from out of town, you’re greeted with a sign ‘Welcome to ….. State’ ‘Welcome to ….. State’ each time you pass through one state or the other but when you get to Lagos, you’re greeted with the sign ‘THIS IS LAGOS’ as though warning you that once you pass the toll gates, you’re on your own.

And in a way, the sign does tell you the truth; Lagos is nobody’s friend.

Day in day out, you’re either fouled for obeying traffic laws you knew nothing about, almost having your legs broken by Okada riders who materialize out of nowhere,  getting the 3^rd degree from a market woman in her native language or getting scammed by some ‘smart aleck’ hence the quote at the beginning of this post.

So I’ve put together some tips on getting around in Lagos called Jungle 101: The JJC’s Guide to Surviving On The Streets of Lagos. They may not come off in the conventional method but at least you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

1.       Everybody in Lagos is either in a hurry to get somewhere or just impatient:  This applies mostly to danfo (commercial motor) drivers. So if you’re entering a danfo and you decide to do so with ‘swagger’ don’t be surprised if the bus suddenly moves from 0-60mph with your butt still hanging out the door.

2.       A lot of people in Lagos are usually angry: Blame it on the heat, blame it on the boss who decides to cut salaries by 30%, blame it on the landlord who gives just a month’s quit notice, point is that 70% of Lagosians move around with a scowl on their faces. So if you accidentally bump into someone, or step on another’s foot or even spill someone’s items, you better apologize quick or you could be picking your teeth from the floor.

3.       Not everyone asking you for directions is actually lost: When somebody walks up to you claiming to be from Senegal or from Equatorial Guinea and doesn’t know his way around, I’ve got just one advice for you: RUN! These guys are usually from Ewekoro or Umuofia and have been in Lagos for like forever. Next thing you know, they’re ‘seeing visions’ on how bloodshed is about to visit your family and how you must produce some ‘red rock from Mars’ to avert this. When accosted by these people, tell them ‘Back to Sender’ and take off!

4.       Those guys in green uniform are NOT the ‘Green House members of the Boys Brigade!!!’: They are KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) officers and they’re known to make Hitler look like Saint Francis. They’re mostly on the Island, especially Lagos Island and Victoria Island or Ojota. The ones at Ojota are usually out to nab people crossing the expressway instead of using the bridge so even though you feel like you’ve been trampled upon by 1,000 African elephants, my friend climb the bridge or risk being an ‘ex-con’.

5.       Be sure to look both sides of the road before crossing even on a ‘one-way’ road: That is because you could get knocked off your shoes by one demonic Okada rider who has decided to ply ‘one-way’ and increase your chances of being a ‘live-in’ tourist at Igbobi.

6.       A lot of Lagos drivers don’t know what a Zebra Crossing is: They actually mistake it for a finish line. So when next you’re at a Zebra Crossing, you might want to hurry it up across those lines or else some angry driver in a hurry might just use his/her car tires to add you to those lines.

7.       If you’re on the road and people suddenly start running, don’t ask questions…RUN! : This is very common in Lagos. You’re walking on the road, everything is bright and sunny and you can even hear birds chirping. Suddenly, for no reason people start running. In Hollywood movies, the character has time to ask ‘what’s going on?’ and even wants to see what’s up. That’s OYIBO! This is LAGOS! And in Lagos, you RUN! Or else we might just be seeing half of your face in an episode of NTA “NEWSLINE” (The other half will be barely recognizable under all the injuries).

8.       There’s no such thing as ‘Missing Groins’: But there’s definitely missing wallets & cell phones. So when you’re in a very busy area, you might just want to get your hands off your groin and put them instead over wherever you keep your wallet & cell phones because in Lagos, ‘Houdinis’ walk amongst us.

9.       That ‘supposedly’ original Gucci wristwatch or Dior sunshades you bought from that street vendor, aint the real thing! : He’ll tell you they just brought it in from the UK and that it’s a limited edition so you don’t get to see it everywhere….WRONG!!! You cough out big money for it (by now he would have convinced you that the ridiculous amount you’re even paying is actually a good bargain) and then 30 minutes later, you’d want to check out your latest acquisition just to make yourself feel good and that’s when you notice that the GUCCI is spelt GUCI and the DIOR is spelt DOIR!

10.     Fone isn’t going to do much for you: If not anything, it could worsen your situation. You stop a taxi and speak with an acquired foreign accent aka ‘fone’? Guy’s definitely going to triple your cab fare! If you’re in a danfo, please be sure to call bus-stops the way they’re called: ‘Anthony’ is ‘Antoni’ ‘Palmgrove’ is ‘Kpangroof’ ‘Sandgrouse’ is ‘Sangross’ ‘Temple’ is ‘Tempu’ . Learn and stick to the local names/parlance or else you might just find yourself well on your way to Benin Republic!

Welcome to Lagos.....the Concrete Jungle