What's Love Got To Do With It?

"You better be careful what you say to me,

Or it  might turn round on you

You better be careful what you do to me

Or somebody might do it to you"

No, that's not me warning anybody. That's the chorus to a song by Sparkle which featured R.Kelly. The song is basically about a couple whose relationship had degenerated over time due to many factors and throughout the song, we hear accusations and counter-accusations between the couple.

She says he used to be sweet and caring, now he doesn't do that anymore. He accuses her of disrespecting him, not appreciating him and then talking down about him to her friends.

The song is a deep, yet sad song which pointed out issues in relationships ranging from lack of mutual trust & respect to one's inability to respect the partner in-front of others (in this case, the lady's friends). This sparked off a conversation I had on Twitter with a cool lady and we had a brief but enlightening talk about relationships and what is needed to make it work.

Some days ago, I was talking with my mother. The topic varied from how the tenants were pissing my dad off to some of her old colleagues and where they are now.

Then I had a question in mind that I really needed to ask her.

“Mum, what constitutes a successful relationship?”

For some seconds, my mum stared at me in silence. And then she says

“It’s definitely not just love. Even that love can fail you sef” she responded.

And then for the next 30 minutes, I listened to my mum tell me things that even though I had heard different versions before, was wisdom coming from a woman who has been married for over 3 decades.

Love is an important part of a relationship but it’s not the only thing needed to have a successful relationship. Nobody goes into a serious relationship with the hope/expectation that it would fail. Everyone wants a successful relationship but like most good things of life, it's not abracadabra. A successful relationship requires work, effort, dedication, commitment. If you’re not willing to put in that, then you’re not ready for a relationship more or less a successful one.

People who want their relationships to be successful must be ready to put their backs into it. They have to be ready to put in as much as they want out of the relationship.

A relationship where one or both of them take actions more out of self-satisfaction and without consideration for the other is more than likely to suffer. People who just want to do whatever they like without regard or respect for how their partner feels about it are actually being self-centered in their relationships. There's no sugar-coating it to be honest. 

It’s always all about them and what makes them happy and/or satisfied and as long as they don’t see anything wrong in what they want to do, they’re doing it anyway; that’s a glaring mark of someone who’s being self-centered.

Love isn’t everything that's needed. According to this cool babe I had this discussion with, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual commitment, being kind & being considerate of your partner is the ‘ koko’. When these are present, then true love has a face. 

And I couldn’t agree more.

So let's stop thinking love alone is enough for a successful relationship. If anything, love makes putting in the other requirements for a successful relationship easier & very willing to do. True love makes respecting your partner easier, it makes being kind and considerate to your partner's feelings, emotions and sensibilities easy and willing for you to do. It makes mutual commitment, compromise & being there for your partner not look like a chore or an advanced physics equation. When you really love someone, these things wouldn’t & shouldn't be homework for you.

I’m not a relationship expert, neither am I a counselor but I’m very sure the points made by my mum and the person I quoted earlier makes a whole lot of sense.

Some weeks ago, I stumbled on something someone posted on Twitter. He wrote;

“When you’re in a relationship, you answer to your woman/man. Your woman/man answers to you. If you aren’t ready to answer to anyone, enjoy being single” 

Very valid if you ask me.

So when it comes to having a successful relationship, I ask: 

What has (only) love got to do with it?