What's Love Got To Do With It?

"You better be careful what you say to me,

Or it  might turn round on you

You better be careful what you do to me

Or somebody might do it to you"

No, that's not me warning anybody. That's the chorus to a song by Sparkle which featured R.Kelly. The song is basically about a couple whose relationship had degenerated over time due to many factors and throughout the song, we hear accusations and counter-accusations between the couple.

She says he used to be sweet and caring, now he doesn't do that anymore. He accuses her of disrespecting him, not appreciating him and then talking down about him to her friends.

The song is a deep, yet sad song which pointed out issues in relationships ranging from lack of mutual trust & respect to one's inability to respect the partner in-front of others (in this case, the lady's friends). This sparked off a conversation I had on Twitter with a cool lady and we had a brief but enlightening talk about relationships and what is needed to make it work.

Some days ago, I was talking with my mother. The topic varied from how the tenants were pissing my dad off to some of her old colleagues and where they are now.

Then I had a question in mind that I really needed to ask her.

“Mum, what constitutes a successful relationship?”

For some seconds, my mum stared at me in silence. And then she says

“It’s definitely not just love. Even that love can fail you sef” she responded.

And then for the next 30 minutes, I listened to my mum tell me things that even though I had heard different versions before, was wisdom coming from a woman who has been married for over 3 decades.

Love is an important part of a relationship but it’s not the only thing needed to have a successful relationship. Nobody goes into a serious relationship with the hope/expectation that it would fail. Everyone wants a successful relationship but like most good things of life, it's not abracadabra. A successful relationship requires work, effort, dedication, commitment. If you’re not willing to put in that, then you’re not ready for a relationship more or less a successful one.

People who want their relationships to be successful must be ready to put their backs into it. They have to be ready to put in as much as they want out of the relationship.

A relationship where one or both of them take actions more out of self-satisfaction and without consideration for the other is more than likely to suffer. People who just want to do whatever they like without regard or respect for how their partner feels about it are actually being self-centered in their relationships. There's no sugar-coating it to be honest. 

It’s always all about them and what makes them happy and/or satisfied and as long as they don’t see anything wrong in what they want to do, they’re doing it anyway; that’s a glaring mark of someone who’s being self-centered.

Love isn’t everything that's needed. According to this cool babe I had this discussion with, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual commitment, being kind & being considerate of your partner is the ‘ koko’. When these are present, then true love has a face. 

And I couldn’t agree more.

So let's stop thinking love alone is enough for a successful relationship. If anything, love makes putting in the other requirements for a successful relationship easier & very willing to do. True love makes respecting your partner easier, it makes being kind and considerate to your partner's feelings, emotions and sensibilities easy and willing for you to do. It makes mutual commitment, compromise & being there for your partner not look like a chore or an advanced physics equation. When you really love someone, these things wouldn’t & shouldn't be homework for you.

I’m not a relationship expert, neither am I a counselor but I’m very sure the points made by my mum and the person I quoted earlier makes a whole lot of sense.

Some weeks ago, I stumbled on something someone posted on Twitter. He wrote;

“When you’re in a relationship, you answer to your woman/man. Your woman/man answers to you. If you aren’t ready to answer to anyone, enjoy being single” 

Very valid if you ask me.

So when it comes to having a successful relationship, I ask: 

What has (only) love got to do with it?

Let It Be Said

When I leave this world,

Things will be said.

Some good… some I’m not sure

But then, things will be said.

Let it be said, that I did my best

To be a better person

That I sat at life’s feet every day

To listen to what it had to teach me.

That sometimes I felt like I knew it all

But then, life had a way of teaching me

That I may have thought that I knew everything

But I knew next to nothing.

Let it be said, that I loved my God

As much as I could

That I held on to my faith in Him

And his love for me.

That there may have been times I strayed

And I felt too ashamed to come back to Him

But His love was boundless

And welcomed me when I found my way back.

Let it be said, that I worked hard

That I was determined to make something out of myself and my life.

I had clear goals in sight and knew where I wanted to be

Those were the things that kept me up at night;

Working, planning, conceptualizing, strategizing.

A financial liability was the last thing I wanted to be

I wanted to be successful and was willing to bleed for it

And being a failure was out of the question.

Let it be said, that I was there for my loved ones

That I held them close to my heart.

I was loyal to the end

Being the best I could be.

There were times when I had my failings

And I was annoying and unlovable

But their faith and patience

Helped me strive to put in my very best.

Let it be said, that I loved and oh did I love.

With all my heart, with all genuineness and sincerity

That for love, I emptied out myself

Pouring out all within me,

I held nothing back, I gave everything I had to give

Left myself naked, open and vulnerable

I loved with all my heart, I loved with everything I had

I loved truly, I loved madly, I loved deeply.

And after the curtain has closed on my life

And I have returned to my maker.

When all is being said, please let it be said 

That I gave nothing but the very best of me.

Perfection

Perfection… what is it really?

Is it having the perfect look? The perfect height? The perfect attitude?

People unconsciously tout themselves to be perfect. They are the right body size, they have the perfect personality, the perfect life, the perfect friends etc, etc, etc. Everything in their lives are spick and span and they’re running head to head with Jesus on the scale on perfection.

I am not perfect. I’ve never seen myself as one and In fact, I’m more aware of my flaws than of my strengths.

Don’t get me wrong; It’s not inferiority complex. It’s simply facing the fact that I’m only human and as much as I try to be the best expected of me, in the end, I’m still fallible.

Everybody has their faults. I just happen to be one of those who acknowledge and face theirs. It doesn’t make me a bad person, just a realistic one. There are days when I’m like a ray of morning sunshine and there are days when my people feel like knocking me over the head with a mallet.

The very first step towards change is the acknowledgement and acceptance of fault. I’m just work in progress. I may not be where I’m aiming to be yet, but thankfully I’m definitely not where I was when I started this journey.

Please don’t expect me to be perfect. I can only be the best person to people who still love me despite my faults and failings. Them, I love so dearly and enough to go through this constant improvement of self also because it means a lot to them to see me get better with each passing day.

I am not the S.I unit of perfection… I can never be.

Perfection is the man who once walked this earth many years ago. As long as we occupy flesh and blood, no one can ever come close to that.

I STILL LOVE YOU

The last 8 years have witnessed me spending Valentine’s Day at the office, staring out the window and listening to the radio churn out one love song after the other as I prayed that the ridiculous traffic caused by fast foods and fancy restaurant patrons would abate so I can go home and get some sleep.

Not that I was going through some form of misery, I just didn’t see any reason why out of an entire 365/366 days in a year, one must take out one day for a display/ declaration of love to his  or her partner. So what happens to the rest of the year then?

I believe in love and when I love, I love hard and well because I have decided that the man in my life is definitely worth my love. With him, every day is Valentine’s Day and I honestly don’t need to take out one day to show him that he’s special and that I love him so much.

Anyway, in the spirit of ‘Valentine’s day’ I have decided to put my thoughts into writing with this piece called ‘I STILL LOVE YOU’.  It’s not poetry or in any way an attempt at it but an honest and sincere outpouring of my inner self.

So here goes:

In my brightest of days,

When Heaven is smiling on me and all I do

I stop to think of you and I know for certain

That I do love you

When you send me texts that make me smile

When I get messages from you that tickles me silly

In every day and in every little way I’m reminded

That I do love you

When everything is looking good

And we feel like we’re on-top of the world

Through the champagne and the caviar life.

I still love you.

Life will not always be great.

The sun will not always shine

There will be tumultuous periods

But I still want you know that through it all,

I still love you

When you’re going through a bad time

And it seems like the storm is fiercely against you.

When life brings you to your knees and wants to break you.

Just know that you’ve got me like I’ve got you and that

I still love you.

When I’m under a lot of pressure

And I feel like being left alone.

There’s nothing for you to worry about

Because baby,

I still love you

When one or both of us is in a bad mood

And we get mad over the littlest of things

When we fight over stuff so inconsequential

And words that hurt are said

I want you to know

That I still love you

When the honeymoon is over

And the babies come along

Through changing diapers, sleepless nights and tested patience

I still love you

When the bills are as high as a skyscraper

And it seems like they’re not coming down

Remember we’re in this together

And I’m definitely sticking around

My love is true, my love is constant

Through the sunshine and the rain

It weathers all storms, it triumphs in trials

On it you can depend, no room for doubts or denials

When the years have gone by

And all the kids have left home

When gone are the flat abdominals & wrinkle free faces

And in its place are crowns lined with grey hair & ‘muffin tops’

When being picture perfect doesn’t matter any more

Neither does wearing the latest in fashion.

I’m there to hold your hand, I’m there to assure you

That truly and in all honesty,

I still love you.

Spielberg Script on a Tomato Budget

I was stressed.

There was a movie premiere coming up in a matter of weeks and since my friend had left the country on the compulsory maternity leave, I was left to pilot the organization and preparation towards the event.

It was also my first time doing this job solo so one can imagine the physical, psychological and emotional energy I had put into the project. At this point, I had done everything from blowing a gasket in anger, to heaping curses which of course was done in the secrecy of my mind to breaking down in tears. It was far from a pleasant experience. I had even called my friend to tell her I wasn’t sure if I could go on with this on my own. I was an emotional steamroller  on a 300km/ph collision course with Zuma rock.

I needed something to calm me down, to make me laugh and like the Papa Ajasco jingle always tells us ‘Laugh till you forget your name’. What I didn’t bargain for was the madness I was about to get.

My phone rang. I looked at the caller ID; it was Ekene* (Name changed to protect the individual’s identity’

‘Chi how now?’  He had asked.

‘I dey’ I replied; that was always my default response to the ‘how now’ question.

‘Abeg you fit come meet me for Finicky?’

‘Ekene’ I sighed tiredly (I really was tired) ‘I get work’

‘Abeg just come abeg. You no go stay long, just 30 minutes and you go back. I promise’

I sighed again. There was no shaking Ekene off. He had this tenacity which could always wear someone down to submission and I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to go back and forth with him.

‘Okay I dey come’

I could sense him smile in relief.

‘Thank you’

I grabbed my bag, told the staff that I’d be back in a jiffy and then headed out to hear whatever brain-wave Ekene had.

Ekene is a producer/director. In his head, he believes he’s the biggest thing to come out of Nollywood. In my reality, he’s just an Asaba champion. I wouldn’t have met or known him if some silly production assistant hadn't given out my number without first informing me and from then on, it’s been one grandiose film idea or the other. The way Ekene dreams would make Joseph really jealous.

I finally got to Finicky to see him waiting with a female who looked like she did some overtime on Tura cream and carried herself with an attitude the size of Texas.

Ekene grinned at me as I sat down. 

I had the manners to greet, she lacked the manners to respond.

Strike 1

‘Thank you for coming’ Ekene said to me.

I had no time for niceties or idle chatter.

‘What’s up?’ I asked

And then the craziness began.

Apparently, the lady is a ‘producer’ who wants to shoot a film about a certain man’s rise from humble beginnings to becoming a powerful  man in government. I listened intently as Ekene painted this grand ‘24’meets ‘West Wing’ story. When he finished, he turned to me.

‘So how much to write it’

‘Ekene you know how much I charge’ I responded tiredly. I had told him countless times my rates for writing a screenplay.

‘How much na?’

I told them. And that was when the female realized that she could actually speak.

´Ah! That is a lot na’

‘That’s how much I charge’

Ekene steps in and tries to use his ‘you-know-me-and-I-know-you’ card.

‘Chi abeg come down. At least for me’

‘How much are you budgeting?’

’50 thousand’  the female chirps in.

I couldn’t believe my ears.

´Excuse me?’

Then she tries to be funny.

´What? Are you too big for 50 thousand?’ she asked with a smug look on her face.

Strike 2

At this point, I was already cursing Ekene in my mind for dragging me here for such rubbish. I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could.

‘If you want a script of my amount, you’d get it, if you want a 50 thousand naira script, you will still get it. Even 20 thousand naira scripts are possible’

The female turns to Ekene who shrugs helplessly and then she turns back to me.

´How many parts will the script be?’ she asks in her thick ‘Made in Aba’ accent.

I wasn’t sure I understood the question.

´Parts?’

‘Yes. Will it be part 1 to 3?’

‘I don’t know but I don’t think the film will be THAT long’

She shakes her head in vehement rejection.

‘Ah no o! It has to be o! for that amount? When there’s somebody I pay 100 thousand to write part 1 to 7 for me? What will you write then?’

Strike 3

That’s it! I had had it with ‘talking Tura cream’. I stood up, grabbed my bag.

‘Chi wait na’ Ekene pleaded as he tried to stop me.

‘Abeg I’m busy. Later’ I muttered and left the place.

As I walked out, I couldn't help but think of the absurdity of what went on back there.  She actually wanted a ‘Spielberg-like’ script but wasn't willing to pay for a script its worth. To think of all the time and money I was going to spend on research only to be paid a measly amount? This job certainly wasn't worth it. And to think that Ekene dragged me out for this rubbish.

I looked at my watch: 3:25. I had only spent twenty five minutes back there.

At least Ekene kept his word.

When Being An Actor is More Than Just Having A Pretty/Handsome Face

I have sat through my own fair share of auditions. Some of them were open ones when you’ll have to sit through 5-6 hours watching people who number over a hundred come in one by one to read out a script. Then there were the private ones where aspiring actors were given an appointment to come and audition where the only audiences were the producers and us writers.

I must say an audition especially an open one can sometimes be a tiring and frustrating process. You see different people with different characters come over to take a shot at landing a role in an upcoming movie. Half of these people can’t speak well and there are those with these acquired and annoying accents that I can best describe as somewhere between ‘Cambodian’ and ‘Sri-Lankan’…yes it’s very annoying!

Then there are these people who I must say are good looking, they know it and then they believe that since they’re good-looking, it automatically qualifies them not only to be actors but to rise meteorically into the group of A-list actors. I would have sort of agreed with them…if only their acting skills were not akin to a lizard trying to pass off as an alligator.

The problem with a lot of aspiring actors is that they think acting is just about standing infront of a camera and delivering lines. They look at our current A-listers and all they see is flashy cars, traveling business class all over the world, brand endorsements running into seven to eight figures, not putting into thought the hard-work these people must have put in to get to where they are today.

I remember once in the late 90s early 2000s, I was watching a program on TV and Genevieve Nnaji was being interviewed. She was the fast rising star then and the interviewer had asked how she prepares herself for acting. Genevieve responded by saying she spent hours infront of a mirror, practicing. Thinking back, I now wonder how many young girls/guys who want to be actors actually take time out to do that? I can almost bet that the only times these young ones look in a mirror is to re-apply makeup and to ensure that their hair/outfits are not out of order.

Nobody wants to work hard anymore. They want the glitz and glamour but are they ready to sweat for it the way these guys did? If there were no endorsements, appearance fees and trips around the world, would they still consider taking up an acting career? There’s clearly a case of misplaced passions here: the passion isn’t for acting but for the material benefits that come with it.

Uche Jombo once told me it took her over 11years to get to where she is right now, Ramsey Nuoah first appeared on my TV screen when I was in Secondary School. A lot of these guys have paid their dues and they deserve the rewards that come with such sacrifices.

So I’d advise the pretty girl/handsome guy who wants to act just by virtue of the fact that they are ‘fine’…Look in the mirror and tell yourselves the truth. If you can’t act, stay away from acting but if you still insist and aren’t willing to improve on yourself, (shrugs) there’s always Asaba and ‘waka-pass’ roles for you.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

‘Mugu dey fall make guy-man chop’ (the fool’s fall is to the clever man’s gain)

That is exactly how my brother describes life in Lagos; the busiest city in Nigeria and perhaps West Africa.

It’s funny how when travelling down to Lagos from out of town, you’re greeted with a sign ‘Welcome to ….. State’ ‘Welcome to ….. State’ each time you pass through one state or the other but when you get to Lagos, you’re greeted with the sign ‘THIS IS LAGOS’ as though warning you that once you pass the toll gates, you’re on your own.

And in a way, the sign does tell you the truth; Lagos is nobody’s friend.

Day in day out, you’re either fouled for obeying traffic laws you knew nothing about, almost having your legs broken by Okada riders who materialize out of nowhere,  getting the 3^rd degree from a market woman in her native language or getting scammed by some ‘smart aleck’ hence the quote at the beginning of this post.

So I’ve put together some tips on getting around in Lagos called Jungle 101: The JJC’s Guide to Surviving On The Streets of Lagos. They may not come off in the conventional method but at least you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

THE JJC’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING ON THE STREETS OF LAGOS.

1.       Everybody in Lagos is either in a hurry to get somewhere or just impatient:  This applies mostly to danfo (commercial motor) drivers. So if you’re entering a danfo and you decide to do so with ‘swagger’ don’t be surprised if the bus suddenly moves from 0-60mph with your butt still hanging out the door.

2.       A lot of people in Lagos are usually angry: Blame it on the heat, blame it on the boss who decides to cut salaries by 30%, blame it on the landlord who gives just a month’s quit notice, point is that 70% of Lagosians move around with a scowl on their faces. So if you accidentally bump into someone, or step on another’s foot or even spill someone’s items, you better apologize quick or you could be picking your teeth from the floor.

3.       Not everyone asking you for directions is actually lost: When somebody walks up to you claiming to be from Senegal or from Equatorial Guinea and doesn’t know his way around, I’ve got just one advice for you: RUN! These guys are usually from Ewekoro or Umuofia and have been in Lagos for like forever. Next thing you know, they’re ‘seeing visions’ on how bloodshed is about to visit your family and how you must produce some ‘red rock from Mars’ to avert this. When accosted by these people, tell them ‘Back to Sender’ and take off!

4.       Those guys in green uniform are NOT the ‘Green House members of the Boys Brigade!!!’: They are KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) officers and they’re known to make Hitler look like Saint Francis. They’re mostly on the Island, especially Lagos Island and Victoria Island or Ojota. The ones at Ojota are usually out to nab people crossing the expressway instead of using the bridge so even though you feel like you’ve been trampled upon by 1,000 African elephants, my friend climb the bridge or risk being an ‘ex-con’.

5.       Be sure to look both sides of the road before crossing even on a ‘one-way’ road: That is because you could get knocked off your shoes by one demonic Okada rider who has decided to ply ‘one-way’ and increase your chances of being a ‘live-in’ tourist at Igbobi.

6.       A lot of Lagos drivers don’t know what a Zebra Crossing is: They actually mistake it for a finish line. So when next you’re at a Zebra Crossing, you might want to hurry it up across those lines or else some angry driver in a hurry might just use his/her car tires to add you to those lines.

7.       If you’re on the road and people suddenly start running, don’t ask questions…RUN! : This is very common in Lagos. You’re walking on the road, everything is bright and sunny and you can even hear birds chirping. Suddenly, for no reason people start running. In Hollywood movies, the character has time to ask ‘what’s going on?’ and even wants to see what’s up. That’s OYIBO! This is LAGOS! And in Lagos, you RUN! Or else we might just be seeing half of your face in an episode of NTA “NEWSLINE” (The other half will be barely recognizable under all the injuries).

8.       There’s no such thing as ‘Missing Groins’: But there’s definitely missing wallets & cell phones. So when you’re in a very busy area, you might just want to get your hands off your groin and put them instead over wherever you keep your wallet & cell phones because in Lagos, ‘Houdinis’ walk amongst us.

9.       That ‘supposedly’ original Gucci wristwatch or Dior sunshades you bought from that street vendor, aint the real thing! : He’ll tell you they just brought it in from the UK and that it’s a limited edition so you don’t get to see it everywhere….WRONG!!! You cough out big money for it (by now he would have convinced you that the ridiculous amount you’re even paying is actually a good bargain) and then 30 minutes later, you’d want to check out your latest acquisition just to make yourself feel good and that’s when you notice that the GUCCI is spelt GUCI and the DIOR is spelt DOIR!

10.     Fone isn’t going to do much for you: If not anything, it could worsen your situation. You stop a taxi and speak with an acquired foreign accent aka ‘fone’? Guy’s definitely going to triple your cab fare! If you’re in a danfo, please be sure to call bus-stops the way they’re called: ‘Anthony’ is ‘Antoni’ ‘Palmgrove’ is ‘Kpangroof’ ‘Sandgrouse’ is ‘Sangross’ ‘Temple’ is ‘Tempu’ . Learn and stick to the local names/parlance or else you might just find yourself well on your way to Benin Republic!

Welcome to Lagos.....the Concrete Jungle

A Screenwriting Job, A Deposit & A Gun To Your Head

I'm a screenwriter. I've been one since 2009 when out of the blue, I upped and quit my job in the publishing firm  where I had been working for the past 4 years and stepped out into the unknown.


Needless to say, my dad thought I had lost a few screws in my head and it didn't help that my resignation happened at a time when getting a job in Nigeria was synonymous with getting on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and winning the jackpot without using a single life-line. Truth is, I wasn't looking for another job. I mean I tried at first but my patience wore thin after a few months and I gave up altogether.


Luckily for me, there was screenwriting and the film/television industry. I decided to use whatever God-given talent I had, to make a way for myself. At first it was hard! The writing jobs came in trickles and were so spaced out that I had to stretch whatever I got paid for a script till another screenwriting job came in.


Three years later, I've begun to sing a different tune. I get a new recommendation and a new screenwriting job almost every week. Quite frankly, I'm not complaining about it at least bills have to be paid na. The issue now is when some of my clients want a fantastic script and they want it ASAP. Some tell me they want the script in 2weeks and I've gotten deadlines as  crazy as one week! 


I'm like 'Who the hell will give you a well thought out and written screenplay in one week???' I sure as hell am not an 'Asaba Writer' (Those ones just put pen on paper, scribble some stories together and voila! they have a screenplay ready for shoot)


A good screenplay needs to be 1. Well thought out, 2. Well plotted, 3. The dialogue has to be on point, 4. The subject of the screenplay has to have been well researched! How on earth am I supposed to produce all this in a week???


But clients don't want to know. The minute their advance touches your hand, they're on your case like leeches; determined not to let you catch your breath until the final scene has been written. It's like trying to write with a gun to your head! As far as they're concerned, their money has touched your hand so you must deliver when they say you should.


Then there's the annoying class of clients who hurry you to get the job done and then when it's finished, they keep silent as regards paying you your money. I mean 'what the hell????' They expect me to beome 'Speedy Gonzales' when I'm handling their jobs and then when it's done, these guys become 'Slowpoke Rodriguez' when it comes to paying up! 


So I'm sitting here with a bunch of screenplays to write, all with deadlines attached to them but then I sigh; A girl's gotta pay her bills.

Random Thoughts

It's funny how time flies and changes things in its. Sine the last time I put up a post (which I am ashamed to say has been over a year ago) a lot of things have happened in my life. I have learnt lessons from experiences, strangers became friends and friends became strangers. Along the way, I have shed some baggage which at first I thought I would manage, but ended up being excess baggage that kept weighing me down.

Overall, I have learnt a lot, these last months that has passed me by. For starters I now know that if you're not ready to hustle and when I say hustle I mean HUSTLE, there's no reason under the big yellow sun for you to quit your day job. I know the pay might suck, the boss might be a bastard straight from the pits of hell but trust me, that chicken change that hits your pocket at the end of every month just might be worth the headache. Especially now that better paying jobs are getting harder to come by and MSc is the new Bsc and the BSc is the new OND.

I now have a new form of insomnia which was work induced and where it's piratically impossible for me to sleep at anytime before 3am. I don't complain anyways, I just use my awake time to do more work. After all a girl has got to pay her bills.

So it's 1:51am in the morning and I'm taking a break from a screenplay to quickly post on this blog. I can only wish for things to get better but that is entirely up to me and the day to day decisions I have to take that would shape the future I want for me.

10 Sure-fire Ways to Lose Your Man Fast (And For Good)

We’ve all been guilty of it at one point in time; we see that magazine with the catchy caption 10 Ways To Make Him Love You For Life and we make a grab for it while surreptitiously looking for the answer to making him ‘chewing gum’ you for life. Hell sometimes, we fork out some cash and blow a hole in our purses just to buy it and read in the comfort of our homes and beds

Well I’m not going to write about ways to make him stay; that’s for Christian Carter, Emily Mc Kay, Mimi Tanner and the others. But I’m definitely gonna tell you the sure fire ways to chase him out of your life: and for good.

So sit back, grab your coffee, soft drink, popcorn or whatever you pop into your mouth when reading as I bring to you:

10 Sure-fire Ways To Lose Your Man Fast (And For Good)

1.       Be sure to call his ass every 5 minutes so you can know where he is. In fact the minute he answers the phone the first words out of your mouth should be ‘Where are you’?

2.       Go through his phone book, call every female on his list and demand to know who they are and why they call like everyday (Even if she really is his supervisor at work).

3.       While we’re still on the phone issue, don’t forget to read all his text messages, BB chats, hell any kind of message he’s got on his phone

4.       Show up unannounced at wherever he said he’s hanging out with the guys for ‘boys night out’ just to confirm if he’s really there.

5.       Chewing gum him everywhere he goes and when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE: Office Seminars, Friend’s Bachelor’s Eve, Ex girlfriend’s cousin’s wedding.....

6.       Tell him the sex is good but your ex was waaaay better

7.       A month into the relationship, ask him what he thinks of Burgundy and Cream as your wedding theme colours.

8.       Tell him his mother’s omelette tastes like sawdust

9.       The moment you see him hugging a girl, go gangsta on him and bring on all the drama. Also give him 3 ‘German Slaps’ and pound the girl into the ground for good measure (Even though in the end, she really turns out to be his kid sister who came to visit)

10.   Constantly remind him about how he’s not living up to your expectations of a boyfriend, give him an earful each time he leaves the toilet seat open, flings his socks in a corner, squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, doesn’t remember the anniversary of the day he ‘toasted’ you. Just rile him at every given opportunity

And as a bonus

11.   Make sure he pays for EVERYTHING and that includes your hair, nails, spa treatment, body cream, the 80k Brazilian weave (you use 2-3 packs by the way), even your tampons and Felvin tablets

Try them, they work ;)

Re-branding

Since Aunty Dora went on and on about re-branding, I have also decided to re-brand my blog. Hope you like it :)

Midnight Freaky Dickey

And I mean it literally.

It was 12:00 am and PHCN in their usual manner had reminded us that electric power was still in their hands. I’ve never been an early sleeper either by habit or by necessity and my ‘good night’ time is usually between 12:30am and 1:00am

So on that day, I lay in bed indulging myself in my latest addiction: Boston Legal and amusing myself in Denny Crane’s bouts of craziness. I had my earphones plugged in and didn’t look up when my kid brother burst into the room in fits of laughter. I was oblivious to what was going on around me until he walked up to me and yanked the earphones out of my ears

‘What the hell was that for?’ I asked looking very irritated

‘If I tell you something, you won’t believe me’

‘What?’

‘I’m telling you that you won’t believe me’

‘Then why the hell are you disturbing me?’

By now I was annoyed and in no mood for any goofing around. Finally, after a bout of chuckles he told me

‘Two people are banging on the balcony next door. They just moved into the bathroom’

‘It’s a lie!’

‘I’m serious’ he placed a finger on his tongue and pointed upwards; a gesture we used as children whenever we swore that we were telling the truth

He left the room laughing and I was finding it hard to believe until the moans I began to hear proved to me that my brother was indeed right

I sat there wide eyed as the woman in question went into a tirade of dirty talk that made me blush to the roots of my hair

‘Oh yes! Yes! Yes!’

‘Oh f**k me! F**k me!’

I quickly lay down and drew the covers over my head hoping it would block the noise. For where? It was as if the woman was having a swell time and was hell bent on letting me know that fact. My friend who just came in from the States and was staying with me for a couple of days was laughing away like a girl on a serious overdose of laughing gas and embarrassment flooded through me

What the hell happened to the bedroom?

The next morning, I was on my own balcony hanging some clothing when I saw the culprits on their own balcony gisting away. The ‘stud’ in question was a pot bellied middle aged man that looked like Mike Tyson without regular workouts. If only they knew that I knew...

I thought it would all end with that one night and was shocked like hell when 12:30am the following day, they showed up again on the balcony and got their freak on and on the day after that as well!

Some chronic freaks I have as neighbours!

Hello Nollywood

My first encounter with Nollywood was way back in 2003.

Some guy had approached me in a cybercafé and asked me if I wanted to star in a movie.

Typically my first thought was ‘What do you think I am? Stupid?’

I had thought him to be one of those people who have some sort of claim to Nollywood and were looking for young ‘mugu-like’ girls to exploit so I ignored him and avoided him for a couple of days

The next time he saw me, he told me that his offer was for real and that he wasn’t interested in taking advantage of me. He invited me for an audition which was to take place at National Theatre. I went with my friend, got the part I auditioned for and the next thing, I was starring in the movie ‘Private Sin’ by Emem Isong.

The acting sure had its perks; all of a sudden, I was popular.

In UI, girls who never spoke to me would walk up to me and go

‘Hi!’ They would smile at me ‘Are you an actress? I saw you in a movie!’

I had cousins and family friends in Port Harcourt who got all excited about seeing me on TV and would call me on the phone to tell me of how they were boasting to their friends.

Funny enough, the first time I saw myself in the movie, I threw my head back and let out a big laugh. It was nothing short of amusing to me. But shooting was stressful and I was

n’t sure I wanted to spend more time in front of the camera

Emem Isong was out of the country at the time of the filming and her name had so

me godlike bearing for me. I had always wanted to meet her because I was a writer and was more interested in writing for Nollywood. I hoped that one day, I would meet her and that she would mentor me on my way to becoming an accomplished screenwriter

My dream came true when someone I just knew (Uduak) happened to be Emem Isong’s younger sister. You ought to have seen how I was when I met Emem for the first time. It was like I was meeting Jerry Bruckenheimer/ Steven Speilberg for the first time. I was excited and yet I was nervous.

Emem turned out to be really nice. I had a storyline which I had given someone before but the guy rejected the idea. I gave it to Emem, she liked it and that was how Sweet Tomorrow (2006) was made. The rest like they say is history

Now not only does she mentor me, I write for her and I also submit more storylines which she also gives me a chance to turn into a screenplay. I have found my Nollywood family and I am happy

Thank you Emem, thank you Uduak (aka Koko, kokoriko, uduakiki)

Thank you Nollywood for opening your doors to an aspiring screenwriter