10 Sure-fire Ways to Lose Your Man Fast (And For Good)

We’ve all been guilty of it at one point in time; we see that magazine with the catchy caption 10 Ways To Make Him Love You For Life and we make a grab for it while surreptitiously looking for the answer to making him ‘chewing gum’ you for life. Hell sometimes, we fork out some cash and blow a hole in our purses just to buy it and read in the comfort of our homes and beds

Well I’m not going to write about ways to make him stay; that’s for Christian Carter, Emily Mc Kay, Mimi Tanner and the others. But I’m definitely gonna tell you the sure fire ways to chase him out of your life: and for good.

So sit back, grab your coffee, soft drink, popcorn or whatever you pop into your mouth when reading as I bring to you:

10 Sure-fire Ways To Lose Your Man Fast (And For Good)

1.       Be sure to call his ass every 5 minutes so you can know where he is. In fact the minute he answers the phone the first words out of your mouth should be ‘Where are you’?

2.       Go through his phone book, call every female on his list and demand to know who they are and why they call like everyday (Even if she really is his supervisor at work).

3.       While we’re still on the phone issue, don’t forget to read all his text messages, BB chats, hell any kind of message he’s got on his phone

4.       Show up unannounced at wherever he said he’s hanging out with the guys for ‘boys night out’ just to confirm if he’s really there.

5.       Chewing gum him everywhere he goes and when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE: Office Seminars, Friend’s Bachelor’s Eve, Ex girlfriend’s cousin’s wedding.....

6.       Tell him the sex is good but your ex was waaaay better

7.       A month into the relationship, ask him what he thinks of Burgundy and Cream as your wedding theme colours.

8.       Tell him his mother’s omelette tastes like sawdust

9.       The moment you see him hugging a girl, go gangsta on him and bring on all the drama. Also give him 3 ‘German Slaps’ and pound the girl into the ground for good measure (Even though in the end, she really turns out to be his kid sister who came to visit)

10.   Constantly remind him about how he’s not living up to your expectations of a boyfriend, give him an earful each time he leaves the toilet seat open, flings his socks in a corner, squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, doesn’t remember the anniversary of the day he ‘toasted’ you. Just rile him at every given opportunity

And as a bonus

11.   Make sure he pays for EVERYTHING and that includes your hair, nails, spa treatment, body cream, the 80k Brazilian weave (you use 2-3 packs by the way), even your tampons and Felvin tablets

Try them, they work ;)

Re-branding

Since Aunty Dora went on and on about re-branding, I have also decided to re-brand my blog. Hope you like it :)

Midnight Freaky Dickey

And I mean it literally.

It was 12:00 am and PHCN in their usual manner had reminded us that electric power was still in their hands. I’ve never been an early sleeper either by habit or by necessity and my ‘good night’ time is usually between 12:30am and 1:00am

So on that day, I lay in bed indulging myself in my latest addiction: Boston Legal and amusing myself in Denny Crane’s bouts of craziness. I had my earphones plugged in and didn’t look up when my kid brother burst into the room in fits of laughter. I was oblivious to what was going on around me until he walked up to me and yanked the earphones out of my ears

‘What the hell was that for?’ I asked looking very irritated

‘If I tell you something, you won’t believe me’

‘What?’

‘I’m telling you that you won’t believe me’

‘Then why the hell are you disturbing me?’

By now I was annoyed and in no mood for any goofing around. Finally, after a bout of chuckles he told me

‘Two people are banging on the balcony next door. They just moved into the bathroom’

‘It’s a lie!’

‘I’m serious’ he placed a finger on his tongue and pointed upwards; a gesture we used as children whenever we swore that we were telling the truth

He left the room laughing and I was finding it hard to believe until the moans I began to hear proved to me that my brother was indeed right

I sat there wide eyed as the woman in question went into a tirade of dirty talk that made me blush to the roots of my hair

‘Oh yes! Yes! Yes!’

‘Oh f**k me! F**k me!’

I quickly lay down and drew the covers over my head hoping it would block the noise. For where? It was as if the woman was having a swell time and was hell bent on letting me know that fact. My friend who just came in from the States and was staying with me for a couple of days was laughing away like a girl on a serious overdose of laughing gas and embarrassment flooded through me

What the hell happened to the bedroom?

The next morning, I was on my own balcony hanging some clothing when I saw the culprits on their own balcony gisting away. The ‘stud’ in question was a pot bellied middle aged man that looked like Mike Tyson without regular workouts. If only they knew that I knew...

I thought it would all end with that one night and was shocked like hell when 12:30am the following day, they showed up again on the balcony and got their freak on and on the day after that as well!

Some chronic freaks I have as neighbours!

Hello Nollywood

My first encounter with Nollywood was way back in 2003.

Some guy had approached me in a cybercafé and asked me if I wanted to star in a movie.

Typically my first thought was ‘What do you think I am? Stupid?’

I had thought him to be one of those people who have some sort of claim to Nollywood and were looking for young ‘mugu-like’ girls to exploit so I ignored him and avoided him for a couple of days

The next time he saw me, he told me that his offer was for real and that he wasn’t interested in taking advantage of me. He invited me for an audition which was to take place at National Theatre. I went with my friend, got the part I auditioned for and the next thing, I was starring in the movie ‘Private Sin’ by Emem Isong.

The acting sure had its perks; all of a sudden, I was popular.

In UI, girls who never spoke to me would walk up to me and go

‘Hi!’ They would smile at me ‘Are you an actress? I saw you in a movie!’

I had cousins and family friends in Port Harcourt who got all excited about seeing me on TV and would call me on the phone to tell me of how they were boasting to their friends.

Funny enough, the first time I saw myself in the movie, I threw my head back and let out a big laugh. It was nothing short of amusing to me. But shooting was stressful and I was

n’t sure I wanted to spend more time in front of the camera

Emem Isong was out of the country at the time of the filming and her name had so

me godlike bearing for me. I had always wanted to meet her because I was a writer and was more interested in writing for Nollywood. I hoped that one day, I would meet her and that she would mentor me on my way to becoming an accomplished screenwriter

My dream came true when someone I just knew (Uduak) happened to be Emem Isong’s younger sister. You ought to have seen how I was when I met Emem for the first time. It was like I was meeting Jerry Bruckenheimer/ Steven Speilberg for the first time. I was excited and yet I was nervous.

Emem turned out to be really nice. I had a storyline which I had given someone before but the guy rejected the idea. I gave it to Emem, she liked it and that was how Sweet Tomorrow (2006) was made. The rest like they say is history

Now not only does she mentor me, I write for her and I also submit more storylines which she also gives me a chance to turn into a screenplay. I have found my Nollywood family and I am happy

Thank you Emem, thank you Uduak (aka Koko, kokoriko, uduakiki)

Thank you Nollywood for opening your doors to an aspiring screenwriter

Happy New Year

Okay I guess I'm like 1 month and 3 days late for this but (sigh) if only you knew

A lot has happened to me since my last post: I quit my job, went into Nollywood (Not for the acting o! I'm not sure I can get used to the cameras and I definitely don't need the goldfish life that comes with being an actress) and basically have been hustling my ass off

Hopefully, I'll be updating more, sharing more thoughts and experiences, at least blog more often

Till then.....peace out!

The Long Kiss Goodbye

She could feel his presence in the room

She didn’t have to turn around to confirm if he was there. Her intuition had already done her the honours. She just stood facing the wall, her heart rate racing faster than a speeding bullet as she waited for him to come to her.

The atmosphere was charged and her body responded to it. Her skin increased its sensitivity and a shiver travelled down her spine. She shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself. Her nipples were hard and clearly visible under the light fabric of her negligee. This time, she wore it for him as she knew he loved seeing her in it. No one said anything, they both knew that words would only ruin the moment for them. Besides, they had nothing to say to each other

He touched her and suddenly, a brilliant white light flashed before her eyes. She shut them; afraid that the light would deprive her of her sight. He ran his hand down her bare skin: touching, teasing, caressing, daring her to let herself go and fall into him completely and she felt the strength leave her knees as they began to wobble. She had to plant her hands on the wall to steady herself.

She heard him chuckle behind her knowing her had hit the right spot. He kissed her in different places and threw hear head back with a soft moan. Her ears, her neck, her back were already tingling from his kisses and she was afraid that she wouldn’t survive any more of his teasing. Her moans became intense as his hand reached under her negligee, finding one full breast and giving it a gentle squeeze. She ground her hips against him, feeling the tremors going through her body as she neared climax

‘Ugo! What are you doing?’
Her eyes snap open and she turns around. Her sister stood alone in the room; a mixed look of worry and confusion on her face. Ugo glances furtively around the room
‘Where is he? Where did he go?’
‘Who?’
‘Dozie now! He was here just now. Didn’t you see him outside?’
‘Ugo’ Amaka takes her sister’s hand ‘You really shouldn’t do this to yourself’
‘Do what? I’m telling you Dozie was here and you’re saying something else. What is wrong with you?’
‘Dozie isn’t here Ugo. He’s dead! He died in a car crash a month ago remember? And we’re burying him today. You should stop hallucinating; it’s not doing you any good’

Ugo jerks her hand free and runs to the window hoping that she would see Dozie standing there and she can prove her sister wrong. There were a group of people standing outside; mourners who had come to accompany her to the funeral but Dozie wasn’t amongst them. Disappointment takes over and she slowly sits down on the bed, her face in her hands, her tears running through her fingers as the reality of Dozie’s death hit her with the force of a hammer striking an anvil.

Amaka sits beside her putting an arm around her shoulders for comfort and waits for her as her grief and loneliness ran with her tears. All done with her sobs, she picks up a wrapper from the bed and wipes her face with it

Amaka squeezes ‘You really should get ready now. Everyone’s waiting for you and the service starts in an hour. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything okay?’

Ugo just nods and Amaka goes to the living room, allowing her to get dressed in private. As she gets dressed, her eyes travel to the picture of herself and Dozie on their wedding day. A young and happy couple, looking forward to a bright and blissful future together

A future that was abruptly shattered by a drunken tanker driver

MY WACKY LAGOS RAIN EXPERIENCE

No one gave me a warning

Not even the sky that was so clear when I left home that Thursday morning in my usual fashion of speeding out the door. I barely managed to utter a ‘good morning’ to my dad who was already engrossed in his daily ritual: deep thinking with his elbow on the arm rest and his index finger resting on his upper lip. Staring at nothing in particular Mum wasn’t going to school that day which meant I wasn’t going to get my daily drop off at the bus-stop closest to where I board my fully air conditioned BRT bus (Fashola God Bless You!!!). So I had to do what I had been dreading for months: board a bike to Yaba bus stop.

It was something I couldn’t avoid especially when someone at the office had decided to re-activate our timer which meant everyone had to be at the office latest 9am sharp. 9:05am was considered late and unacceptable (Like I don’t stay at work for close to 2hrs past closing time) Anyway, I finally got to the BRT bus, settled in and shortly afterwards, I was joined by my friend and colleague, Afi. The bus began to move and we carried on gisting about anything and everything.

The weather didn’t change until we got to Marina. The sky was dark and little drops of rain began to pelt the windscreen as it began to drizzle. I turned to Afi

‘ Afi it’s raining o!’

‘Chei’ she responds ‘And my umbrella’s at home o. I should have taken it since Enuka told me it was raining on the Island’

‘What do we do?’ I asked ‘Because what if we get to Obalende and we can’t get a bike to take us to the office’

We then decided that we would get down at CMS bus-stop and then take a Taxi to the office from there By the time we got to CMS bus-stop, the rain had begun to pour and traffic had built up on the road. Afi suggested that we follow the bus down to Obalende because there was little or no chance of us getting either a good shelter, or a taxi. The thought of the dirty, smelly Obalende water struck my mind and I hoped against all hope that I was over imagining things.

Obalende, turned out to be worse. Everywhere was flooded. We thought the BRT bus was going to park at the terminus and so we declined to come down under the bridge where he had stopped for some passengers to come down. We were about to kick off our shoes and relax when he suddenly made a complete U-Turn to face the opposite direction. He wasn’t going to the Terminus; he was going back to Yaba! So there we were standing under the bridge and looking very confused.

'Shit!' I muttered under my breath and kept promising myself how I'd do everything in my power to get my self a car.

There was no way we could take a bike as we would have been soaked to our underwear before we got to the office. Taxis weren’t forthcoming and we were desperate to get out of the filthy area so we decided to go for the next best option: Keke Marwa We finally got one, complete with rubber curtains to keep out the rain and we were grateful for the relief. Unknown to us, there was more wahala up ahead. Instead of going through the normal Moloney route, the guy turned into St Gregory’s road so he could link up through Awolowo road. We didn’t say anything. We just sat back and let the guy drive. As long as he was going to drop us off in front of the office, I wasn’t bothered what route he was going to make use of to achieve this.

Then I saw the flood. It was up ahead and the water was so high, it nearly touched the side windows of the cars that waded through it. I looked at the driver. I hoped he saw what I seeing but he remained unfazed and proceeded to wade through the flood as well

And so we went Chu chu chu chu!

The vehicle jiggled as the driver manoeuvred it through the flood. Then smack right in the middle of it, the vehicle gave a shudder and the engine died there! Afi and I panicked. We were right in the middle of the dirty, filthy, smelly Obalende water!

‘Shit’ I muttered and instinctively raised my legs to keep the water from touching my feet ‘

Ye! Wahala!’ Afi exclaimed and raised her legs as well.

The driver tried to start the car. Once..twice...thrice...still it didn’t budge. He got down and began to push the Keke to higher ground. At a pont, the keke shook and we were nervous about it turning over. We were laughing quite alright but the kind of laugh where deep inside, you’re thinking ‘Chei Gbese!’

'If this keke should tumble over’ Afi began ‘I’m going straight home. I will not go to work!’

Another keke passed us by and the stupid driver forgot that he was driving a Keke and not a Trailer. His Keke gave an agonizing cry and like we say in pidgin 'Pafukaed' there in the flood. Our driver kept trying to start his Keke but the machine refused to listen to him. Apprehension began to build in me. I thought of the vermin that could be crawling around in this flood. There was no way I was going to get down in the middle of the flood and wade my way through it! I didn’t care if we sat down there till noon. I wasn’t going anywhere in the rain. Afi bowed her head and closed her eyes, praying to God to leave whoever he must be rescuing in VI flood and come get us out of here.

And He did hear her because after what seemed like the 10th attempt, the keke finally came to life. We heaved a sigh of relief and commanded the driver to do a complete U-Turn. As we made our way to the office, I found it amusing that we were coming in Chinese style and for a brief moment, I changed my name to Xing Li (Whatever the hell that means)

Later that night, I related the story to my mum and brother. They laughed so hard that I was scared I would have to explain to my dad why there were 2 heart attacks in his house.

But at the end of it all, like all other experiences, I think back to that day and I laugh